I’ve been thinking a lot about life recently, success, and happiness. 

Happiness is success in my eyes.  Happiness goes hand and hand with success.  After all you wouldn’t consider a depressed person as successful, would you?  In the end, it comes down to what make YOU happy because your going to have to deal with yourself forever.  Just don’t regret and take consideration of the consequences. 

You could be doing the shittiest job day after day, not get anywhere, and still be happy.  I guess sometimes ignorance is bliss, but if life was only that simple.  Happiness for me is much more complicated.  I want to help and make other people happy…after all that is kind of what society is about, working together.  But that’s so general and everyone has that same goal.  From reading books and blogs about success, I’ve kind of seen a pattern. 

Focus –  Many people try too hard and want to do 10 million things.  After all I’m kind of one of those people.  Having focus on passions is important to personal success.  After reading Cal Newport’s article, writer of Study Hacks, I’ve chose my five things that make me happiest in life.  This means these things are my top priorities in life. 

1.  Cwalk/Dancing
2.  Helping, reconnecting/Making New friends and family (yeah making new family sounds wrong but its true)
3.  Hung Gar and other martial arts
4.  Finding that special girl and making her happy
5.  Body Recomposition, Powerlifting, Weight lifting, Body Building

6.  I know I said 5, but since this thing is so broad and unspecific, it really doesn’t count.  I guess you can consider it to go under success too.  I want to better myself as a person to become a more productive person in society and my relationships with others. 

This year at WPI, I want to be happy.  Doing these things hopefully will make me happier in life and excel in school next year.  Thanks to study hacks and a recent event, it gave me a better insight and focus in life

I think about theory a lot, but stuff doesn’t always work out in theory.  You have to adapt to certain situations, like feelings.  I feel like because of my past relations with my dad, it’s always been hard for me to confront problems with someone.  Back then it didn’t matter if I did something wrong or right, I would still get yelled at.  I was always scared and when I did try to speak up for myself, it only made the situation more difficult.  As I got older, I just realized more to my dad…he’s always been unhappy with his life and unfortunately he took it out on me, Chris, and my mom.  I know I could of been a better son, but I wasn’t the worst son either.  I always obeyed their wishes, did well in school, and never drank, smoked, or sold drugs.  Still even with all my activities and awards, it was never enough.  I’m older now and I rarely interact with my dad, but at least I kind of understand his past from what my uncle and mom were telling me.  

So to connect all my ideas together.  My last relationship didn’t workout mostly because we lacked communication.  I didn’t know her expectations from me and what made her happy.  My past kept me back from expressing what I truly felt about certain problems.  I tend to just hold them in, hoping that they’ll just blow over.  It’s my fault for not communicating well enough, but it didn’t help when I was supposed to just figure it out.  How can I figure these things out when everyone has their own idea of what happiness is?  It’s just like walking into a class without a syllabus.  Communication is the supposed to be the root and basic foundation to having a relationship.  Without it how can you fix the problems in a relationship?  Well you can’t.  At least I don’t see how. 

I know it seems I come off as knowing everything, but I really don’t.  I keep an open mind about things or at least I try to.  But when it comes down to it, my intentions and heart were and are always genuine.  Doing the right thing sucks balls sometimes.

Wow this came out a lot longer than I expected.

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It didn’t even last a week.  Ever since January, I’ve been infatuated with her.  I trusted her…admired her motherly traits…had fun with her…but overall enjoyed her company.  I still know what I have to work on…but from this relationship, I kinda grew and learned what I wanted in a girl.  I’ve cried so many tears that I just can’t cry no more.  In my mind I truly admired this girl for months even when I think she forgot about me.  Imagine… she was the first girl in over 1 and 1/2 years to make me feel complete with the world…

Despite my feelings…I felt trapped.  When it comes straight down to it, I couldn’t make her happy…  Not going to go in specific detail, but things just didn’t work out because honestly we’re just different people.  My life is headed in one direction and her’s in another.  I know one thing that really kinda pissed me off was that I didn’t get to spend as much time as I wanted to with her and only her.  Even though she’ll move on quicker, I believe its for the best.  No doubt I’ll be jealous…but hopefully I can gain her trust again as friends… Road is tough ahead, but eventually we’ll both pull through.  I know shes strong…as for me its another blow.

My mistake was that I couldn’t talk out stuff in time.  Communication is essential to a relationship but still…even though i trusted her I still have problems with spitting out what i have to say…..But never before have I been so motivated.  So many new things…life is too short be sad.  Still even though these weeks have kinda been hectic…I couldn’t of been happier because of her… 

I did it for everyone’s happiness.  My mom and family, my best friends, and for US.  

Sometimes I get so frustrated I can’t even begin to express my feelings.  I’ve always had this problem and its still hard for me to overcome.  It could be from my dad…punishing me for expressing my thoughts, but honestly thats no excuse.  I’m just too frustrated to the point where it would be so much easier to just say whats on my mind.  But when I’m faced with that person, I’m just speechless.

I’ve always had, what i thought, insecurity problems.  Sometimes I don’t think people understand that small comments just making fun of me and such brings me down.  I’ll admit I don’t know how to everything…but the only thing I can promise is that I’ll try my best to do the task at hand.  

It’s moments like these when I enjoy keeping my xanga.  It lets me freely express my mind without holding back.  If a significant other bothers me, I need patience from them.  But when I get caught up in the moment…I just blank out.  Another thing… I hate talking about my problems with other people around.  Its not other peoples buisness to know whats going on.  

Another thing on my mind…how can you say you don’t want any drama when you lied to me about your name and city.  Fucking people like this bother me.