As you can imagine my mind is racing everywhere and my feelings are all over the place. At the same time, I feel like my physical body and health is breaking down as well (we’re talking about explosive diarrhea bad). I still went out to avoid the thought of being single or lonely again. Most people handle it this way. But even when I went out, I found myself sometimes just really antisocial and not really talking to anyone and being in my own world.
After going out almost everyday this week and meeting up people to just chill, I finally took a friends advice to just chill by myself and let out whatever feelings I had.
So I just watched the movies most of the day (21, Pursuit of Happiness, Quantum of Solace and some Cantonese movies). All these movies really got me thinking, what really makes me happy and what do I want in my life? I’ve always had answers to these, but I definitely questioned my values and person I have been though the years. It was kind of nice since haven’t given myself to reflect myself and ACTUALLY listen to myself how I’m actually feeling.
Anyways I’m not going to lie… I spent most of the day crying while looking at old Hong Kong pictures back in the day, reading old letters, and reminiscing old times. It actually brought up a lot of memories that I repressed. Most people would say “don’t look at that shit… its just going to make you depressed”, but after doing this, it felt like one of my emotions was missing. In most societies, men aren’t really supposed to express their feelings because its not “masculine”.
Although I was constantly talking to my friends about how I felt, I realized there was still something was missing. I noticed that I was unconsciously suppressing my emotions. This whole time I’ve tried to be quite logical about this whole situation saying things like “there’s nothing you can do” or “use this time to focus on yourself and career”. In the past, this worked wonders for getting things done and handling stress.
Through this year, I’ve gotten really good at separating my emotions. In fact, too good. I looked through this past year and realized that I simply had trouble expressing my feelings to people. So cold, so heartless. Then I remembered… someone told me a few awhile back, not everything is so logical and to stop “being a robot”. I really do understand what she meant now.
I miss you and the memories we shared. I miss your CDs in the mail. I miss when you used to call. I miss when you used to say you loved me. I miss you surprising me with food. I miss making love to you. I miss spending hours on the phone with you because you actually understood me as a person. I hate the fact that I couldn’t do anything to make the situation better. I hate that we live 46729332183 miles away. I hate the fact that I used to make you “feel like the luckiest girl alive” and “being the best boyfriend ever”. I hate the fact that you can’t be happy with ME. I hate that I can’t have you and that you have someone new.
Finally, I questioned your love, we wouldn’t have broken up if you didn’t love me right?
I also searched back my roots. I pulled out the PUA book (the one that got me into this situation) and started reading again. This quote, this simple quote changed my perspective on everything.
“We have this idea that love is supposed to last forever. But love isn’t like that. It’s a free-flowing energy that comes and goes when it pleases. Sometimes it stays for life;other times it stays for a second, a day, a month, or a year. So don’t fear love when it comes simply because it makes you vulnerable. But don’t be surprised when it leaves, either. Just be glad you had the opportunity to experience it.”
– Neil Strauss
This cleared up everything for me. I appreciated and cherished all those things in the past and I’m glad that we made it this long and honestly I probably was and still am the luckiest guy who got a chance to date you. Things always change. I can’t be caught up in the past or maybe what I was holding on to were just memories. Just like you, I know I deserve to happy too. You’ll date new people… and I will too (when the time comes). But honestly, I don’t think either of us will find a better match. Not to sound cocky, but I KNOW you won’t find a guy than me.
In your final letter to me you wrote that perhaps we would meet up again and laugh back at this moment, seeing how naive we were to think this would work. I’m not going to lie, I still have hope, but one can’t do it alone. I am going to jail AKA pharmacy school for the next three years. Three years is a long time and things change.
After these three years, I am going to go back to HK (or where ever) to finish unfinished business. You’ll be old and I’ll be 25 LOL. One of three things are going to happen:
1. We’ll be like “damn that shit was stupid” and have fun
2. Continue where we left off and finish the business and have fun
3. You ditch me and I have fun
Either way I win LOL. Kind of funny too. When I was proposing this plan to Anthony at the park, a shooting star shot by. Regardless what happens, I’ll make it through anything…especially with my 1500 gigabytes of porn.
Finally many of you might ask, why did you name this entry “pause for porno”? Pause for porno was a skit title back on Dr. Dre Chronic 2001 album. Full of orgasm noises and girls. Anyways from this day until I get my PharmD, I’m staying away from relationships. The stress from them is simply not worth it and my grades always TANK during the aftermath.
Also I really have to admit, I truly have one of the best friends. I’m really lucky to have you guys.
This will probably be my final entry on this issue.