Pause for porno…

As you can imagine my mind is racing everywhere and my feelings are all over the place.  At the same time, I feel like my physical body and health is breaking down as well (we’re talking about explosive diarrhea bad).  I still went out to avoid the thought of being single or lonely again.  Most people handle it this way.  But even when I went out, I found myself sometimes just really antisocial and not really talking to anyone and being in my own world.

After going out almost everyday this week and meeting up people to just chill, I finally took a friends advice to just chill by myself and let out whatever feelings I had. 

So I just watched the movies most of the day (21, Pursuit of Happiness, Quantum of Solace and some Cantonese movies).  All these movies really got me thinking, what really makes me happy and what do I want in my life?  I’ve always had answers to these, but I definitely questioned my values and person I have been though the years.  It was kind of nice since haven’t given myself to reflect myself and ACTUALLY listen to myself how I’m actually feeling.

Anyways I’m not going to lie… I spent most of the day crying while looking at old Hong Kong pictures back in the day, reading old letters, and reminiscing old times.  It actually brought up a lot of memories that I repressed.  Most people would say “don’t look at that shit… its just going to make you depressed”, but after doing this, it felt like one of my emotions was missing.  In most societies, men aren’t really supposed to express their feelings because its not “masculine”.

Although I was constantly talking to my friends about how I felt, I realized there was still something was missing.  I noticed that I was unconsciously suppressing my emotions.  This whole time I’ve tried to be quite logical about this whole situation saying things like “there’s nothing you can do” or “use this time to focus on yourself and career”.  In the past, this worked wonders for getting things done and handling stress.   

Through this year, I’ve gotten really good at separating my emotions.  In fact, too good.  I looked through this past year and realized that I simply had trouble expressing my feelings to people.  So cold, so heartless. Then I remembered… someone told me a few awhile back, not everything is so logical and to stop “being a robot”.  I really do understand what she meant now.         

I miss you and the memories we shared.  I miss your CDs in the mail.  I miss when you used to call.  I miss when you used to say you loved me.  I miss you surprising me with food. I miss making love to you.  I miss spending hours on the phone with you because you actually understood me as a person.  I hate the fact that I couldn’t do anything to make the situation better.  I hate that we live 46729332183 miles away.  I hate the fact that I used to make you “feel like the luckiest girl alive” and “being the best boyfriend ever”.  I hate the fact that you can’t be happy with ME.  I hate that I can’t have you and that you have someone new. 

Finally, I questioned your love, we wouldn’t have broken up if you didn’t love me right?
WRONG. 

I also searched back my roots.  I pulled out the PUA book (the one that got me into this situation) and started reading again.  This quote, this simple quote changed my perspective on everything. 

“We have this idea that love is supposed to last forever. But love isn’t like that. It’s a free-flowing energy that comes and goes when it pleases. Sometimes it stays for life;other times it stays for a second, a day, a month, or a year. So don’t fear love when it comes simply because it makes you vulnerable. But don’t be surprised when it leaves, either. Just be glad you had the opportunity to experience it.”
– Neil Strauss

This cleared up everything for me.  I appreciated and cherished all those things in the past and I’m glad that we made it this long and honestly I probably was and still am the luckiest guy who got a chance to date you.  Things always change.  I can’t be caught up in the past or maybe what I was holding on to were just memories.  Just like you, I know I deserve to happy too.  You’ll date new people… and I will too (when the time comes).  But honestly, I don’t think either of us will find a better match.  Not to sound cocky, but I KNOW you won’t find a guy than me. 

In your final letter to me you wrote that perhaps we would meet up again and laugh back at this moment, seeing how naive we were to think this would work.  I’m not going to lie, I still have hope, but one can’t do it alone.  I am going to jail AKA pharmacy school for the next three years.  Three years is a long time and things change. 

After these three years, I am going to go back to HK (or where ever) to finish unfinished business.  You’ll be old and I’ll be 25 LOL.  One of three things are going to happen:

1.  We’ll be like “damn that shit was stupid” and have fun
2.  Continue where we left off and finish the business and have fun
3.  You ditch me and I have fun

Either way I win LOL.  Kind of funny too. When I was proposing this plan to Anthony at the park, a shooting star shot by.  Regardless what happens, I’ll make it through anything…especially with my 1500 gigabytes of porn.

Finally many of you might ask, why did you name this entry “pause for porno”?  Pause for porno was a skit title back on Dr. Dre Chronic 2001 album.  Full of orgasm noises and girls.  Anyways from this day until I get my PharmD, I’m staying away from relationships.  The stress from them is simply not worth it and my grades always TANK during the aftermath.  

Also I really have to admit, I truly have one of the best friends. I’m really lucky to have you guys.

This will probably be my final entry on this issue.

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One week later after being enlightened by a breakup…

Okay real talk.

I’m really surprised how I’m handling this week.  If you go back four years ago, I probably would have ripped shit while balling my eyes out.  While I HONESTLY can’t say that I was happy about what happened, I really am kind of surprised how I’ve grown through the years.   Despite the Celtics losing and the letter (-__-), I’ve tried my best to look toward the positive aspects in my life and people say that I’ve been logical with emotions.  It can always be worst… our soldiers are fighting wars, my ancestors probably built the railroads, and I’m not a child laborer or hooker. Not bad right?

Despite my positive and “logical” views on my current life, it doesn’t mean doing the right thing has been easy for me.  In fact, its actually been quite the opposite and is probably one of the worst things that’s happened to me in awhile.  Man it’s so bad I can’t even break the news to my mom -_-

My appetite isn’t there and I can’t sleep… It’s really difficult.  My mind is going everywhere thinking about things.  I can’t even escape it from my dreams.  Perhaps its my repressed, unconscious memories leaking into my mind.  So far every single day, I wake up really early having nightmares of losing her and wondering who the new guy is.  Sucks balls honestly. 

Haha I have to admit though some of my dreams are pretty fucked up.  I had a dream with Anthony and we were being sent to one of those gas chambers in Nazi Germany.  I escaped by beating up a bitch and decided to go back on the AOL chat rooms (I know freaking old school).  Surprisingly she was there and we talked about everyday stuff.  The part that woke me up though was the “boyfriend” coming in the chatroom.  Kind of funny that I didn’t wake up during the death camps.

However, I know asking or finding out who this guy is won’t help me in the end…well that’s the logical side of me.  The emotional side keeps on asking all these pointless questions… I don’t even know why.  Maybe it’ll help the dreams, but then what?  All I can do at this point is hope for the best that this guy is treating you right.  I’m not going to deny it kills me inside though, but there’s little or nothing I can do.  I think this Musiq Soulchild song describes how I feel right now…

Sometimes if you really love someone and you can’t make them happy, the best thing to do is just to let go.  I’ll admit I broke down crying when I first realized this.  I went from “I’ve never been with a guy that has made me happier than when I’m with you” to “when I think of you, I think pain and hurt“… truthfully that kills me inside. 
If we’re truly meant to be together, then it’ll happen.  It’s pretty bad to say this especially now, but honestly I’m hoping for us to be together in the end…. after all when I was talking about it with Ant, a shooting star came out of the sky.  Whether that’s a “sign” or not… it’s okay though… I know I can get through anything and I’ll be okay one day. 

Anyways I really do love the support I’m getting from everyone especially by my brother and friends.  It’s weird even people I rarely talk to check up on me.  I never knew how many people would actually read my entry that was freaking long.  Thanks guys whether its just coming out for froyo, calling me to chill/talk, treating me out to eat, or stealing/vandalizing shit from Newton North High School (don’t worry they’re tearing it down in a month anyways).  Wow the memories -_-.  Don’t worry if you didn’t get to see it, I’m currently video taping everything and I’ll post it up later.   

OH few last things.  I’m trying to get my gun license and I’ve been grappling/fighting, working out, pulling sled/cardio, and going for walks a lot.  Also I’ve been listening to my gangsta music collection… some of it is degrading to women…but whatever it makes me feel good at the same time=D

But if you believe, You’ll do best without me
I’ll let it go girl, It’s over
But before we say goodbye, Let’s give it a try
If you leave, Then baby I’ll Leave
I’ll let it go girl, Its over
But I have no doubt, we can work it out, Yeah

If you leave -Musiq Soulchild and Mary J Blige
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JGCUxBDLo2M

Simon says -Pharoahe Monch
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dkuGZfllz8I

Breakups are truly enlightening….

I really didn’t want to public this, but whatever too many people have been asking me.  Obviously “today wasn’t my day”, but breakups are truly enlightening and it always amazes me how much I learn after coming out of one.  In the past I’ve learned things like don’t go apeshit on things you can control, realizing yourself worth, and spontaneity (AKA not to spoil your girl all the time).    

 

It wasn’t until after my second relationship when I was like “Fuck it… I’m never letting this shit happen to me again. No more being a pussy and being used all the time.  I always complain about it…so why don’t I DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!?!?!”…  After this moment, I began reading Pick Up Artist books (I know sounds lame).  At the same time, reading these books helped me find my motivation to enjoy life and not take everything so seriously.

 

Yes I went “sarging” in Hong Kong and it was pretty fun.  Living the single life during this period of time was the best thing that happened to me.  It wasn’t to get the girls necessarily, but to enjoy and live a rich QUALITY life.  I pursued a lot of things at the time.  Later I found this girl… Honestly who would have known I would find a girl there that would sweep me off my feet (GAY)? 

 

This was probably my best relationship ever and one of the best times in my WHOLE life.  We just connected very well and everything fell into place.  It was so weird… I could say something that wouldn’t make sense to a normal person, but she would understand.  Yea I know hard to explain. 

 

For the first time, I actually thought I knew what love felt like.  However, I left Hong Kong because I promised my mom that I wouldn’t get married LOL… I ended up in a long distance relationship and I honestly loved it.  I always sought out that emotional support that I really never got back before and plus I got to finish my shit.  It was probably here where I fucked up.  Despite my hatred for Lil Wayne, I’ll quote his song “Comfortable”. 

 

“I’m not saying this to shake you up

I’m just saying this to wake you up

It’s all good when we making love

All I ask is don’t take our love for granted, it’s granted

My love for you, is real

Baby if you don’t love me somebody else will

So baby girl don’t you ever get too comfortable”

 

I forgot the PUA rules of  value, forgot the spontaneity shit, took your love for granted, and didn’t take the time to understand what you were feeling.  All these things are ESSENTIAL in a relationship, but even more essential in a long distance relationship.  At the same time, I realized I set myself up for this situation after going into it knowing the consequences. 

 

It’s kind of like not using a condom when banging a girl LOL. 

 

You get so caught up in the moment that you forget about the consequences.  I truly don’t regret anything I did and I did TRY MY BEST at the time.  I tried balancing school with a long distance relationship… not an easy thing to do.  Although I traveled halfway across the world for you, I appreciated you effort to come here as well. 

 

Anyways this is all background story most people don’t know about me.  Basically I’m not mad, furious, or going to pull any “gangsta shit”.  I understand why you did what you did and I’m pretty happy you did find someone that could satisfy what you wanted.  Anyways I’m not that sadistic asshole, who wishes pregnancies/death on people.  Although I’m not extremely happy about how everything turned out, I’ll remember our memories and continue with my fake doctor career (aka pharmacy).  I’ve accepted that you can’t be happy with a long distance with me.

 

If there’s one feeling that people would be surprised about, it would be that I’m truly proud.  You’ve done something that I always wanted you to take away whether it negatively or positively affected me.

You finally realized your “self value” and realized you deserve to be happy, DESPITE what other people said.    

 

 

 

So what are you going to do now Kevin?

 

While some might look at this as a shitty time, I look at it as an opportunity to improve myself.

 

Worse thing for me to do is to go back in the game.  I think to put it best, I need some time to invest and analyze myself.  Probably start actively networking, reconnecting with old friends, and take some yoga, jiu jitsu, and dance classes.  Most importantly, I’m going to use this extra energy to help and volunteer somewhere.  It’s important give back to the community and to cultivate the soul.  Sometimes the best way to feel better again is to help others.  I’m motivated again baby!

 

Love truly isn’t enough sometimes and this definitely made me question WHAT THE HELL IS LOVE?

BTW DON’T GIVE ME THAT ASHANTI CRAP

 

 

Since I never update this xanga regularly…

I decided to update on Saturday nights after work.  Even though no one reads this anymore, Xanga has been my way of keeping my memories in one place.  I’ve probably been neglecting Xanga for the last 5 years and most of my friends deactivated it >.<

Some reason when I think about the past, I always get somewhat sad.  Everything used to be so simple back then and seemed more fun.  Its not like I’m unhappy with my life, but it seems like there was more excitement and I really did cherish memories hanging out with my friends everyday.  Although I know we drift apart the older we get, I still keep in contact with everyone, but still I really miss those days of high school.  Everyday it just feels like I’m always doing everything by myself and I’m always by myself.  It gets lonely no homo lol.  Thank god I went to WPI and learned ways to keep myself occupied. 

Speaking about WPI, I finally graduated with distinction with my Biochemistry degree and Chemistry minor!  Nice seeing all my family again and I’m one step closer to pharmacy school I guess.  Right now I’m taking a Freshman English and Introduction to Psychology class at a community college and it fucking blows.  The psychology teacher HATES me.  I find it hilarious that he thought I was a disturbance to the class by simply walking to go to the restroom AND he send me an email threatening me that next time I would have to see the “Dean of Students”.

Oh boy I’m scared and I’m going to piss my pants =X

I never thought I would say this, but I really miss Worcester; seems like a lot of my friends are up there right now.  I get more work done up there and at least I felt like there was always something to do with friends.  Speaking about friends, I really should go clubbing again… I’ve been MIA for like 3 months already!??!?! 

 
Me and Chang, my facebook buddy =]


Me and Vi aka my TA and person I used to copy notes from =]


Me and my fellow lady gaga hater, Kate =]


Me and the fobs of WPI =x


First family picture in awhile =]


Gang signs!


Mr. CSA President, Me, and Mr. Gossip!

Graduation Pictures!


THROWBACK FROM HIGH SCHOOL!

LAST ONE…..Making it RAIN BABY!