I’ve been MIA for almost a month right now. Not like that many people read this shit anyways. Despite this, it’s not like I don’t want to write or I don’t have the motivation. Its more like I’ll repeat the same shit over and over again if I keep writing. However, I bet you guys get the picture: I was/am still heartbroken.
During the day I repress most of my feelings and emotions from coming out… not purposely either. I guess maybe I’m trying to protect myself. But every night I have dreams… dreams about death, being a hitman (really interesting lol), and the most common is me losing you every single night for multiple times (up to five times a night). Everything that I keep inside during the day comes out in my dreams. The feelings hopelessness, jealousy, anger, and fear are common themes. I’m always trying to figure out the “identity” of the new guy, trying to work things out, or at least aiming for closure. Even worse I don’t think these will ever go away until I get my closure… which I’m definitely not ready for…yet. I know it doesn’t help to ponder about these things, but still I wake up every morning feeling “WTF”.
It fucking sucks.
My anger is not directed towards you, but more towards myself. I feel so stupid for even putting myself in this situation and letting myself become so vulnerable. Its kind like putting in your penis in a meat grinder… in the end your basically left trying to put the pieces back together. To be honest it took me a long ass time to accept the fact that we aren’t together anymore. I truly can’t bare to see you with anyone else. I know I never ever showed you that side but now that your gone, it haunts me. I worked so hard and put so much effort into trying to make you as happy as possible… hell how many people do you know that travel halfway across the world just to see the person they love AND remain faithful? But honestly I should have known better. Just because you put in the time and effort into a passion doesn’t mean something will work out… Reality blows.
I don’t know. I guess what I’m trying to say is that living post-you life is indescribably depressing. Despite my semi-busy schedule with activities that make me happy, there is little to look forward at the end of the night. My time being with you was probably my happiness moment throughout my life. I miss having that security that someone would listen to me clear my mind, care about me, and actually hear that someone loved me at the end of the night. Honestly you were probably the first person ever to actually love/care me. Perhaps I’m just trying to savor the last moments before I let go and move on.
I know there’s nothing I can do but look ahead towards the future. Cliche… I know. Distance is my worse enemy right now, but regardless I guess it is best for us to go our separate paths… at least for now. Its extremely difficult for me to say that but as Cassie would say “I can’t do it without you babe”. After all I’m headed to pharmacy school/jail and you still need to figure out your life/PhD as well. From what it seems like your ready to move on and date other people. But I feel like I’m that dumbass who goes around in circles expecting something different each time. I can’t help but feel somewhat replaced as well.
I sound like I’m fucking emo but I’m also really trying to make the best of life. I joined a Brazilian Jiu Jitsu school and I practice Hung Gar a lot more often than I used to. I grind out weights at the gym still and I’m meeting new people when I go out. Hell, I even got hamsters because they make me happy and remind me of our happy moments. Finally I know I should keep those memories I have with you. Keeping this in mind I need to be happy in the present and realize that my life isn’t over. I’m still young and I have a lot to experience. We definitely have to talk… eventually.
BUT is it kind of fucked up that apart of me doesn’t want to move on and feel better?