Father’s day is always kind of weird to me. My relationship with my father is… well to put it simply… fucked up.
From what I heard was that my dad never really wanted a child when I was born. My dad was supposed to watch me while my mom was doing groceries (I was like 2 years old). Somehow I got a hold of a knife and was playing with it. Kids being kids, I ended up cutting my ear pretty bad. It wasn’t until a few hours, when my mom found me bloodied up and my dad was just watching TV. I really don’t know what happened that day whether my dad did it on purpose or if he was just neglectful. Either way… how the hell did I get that knife? LOL
When I think back to my childhood, a lot of my memories are repressed. The only things I can really remember was being yelled at. I used to get yelled at for small things like dropping things or falling too… I was and still am pretty clumsy. Back then, I always thought I was the problem, that I had to improve, and it was my fault for being yelled at (which was sometimes probably true). It was the major source of my teenage insecurities that didn’t really go away until I moved out. I felt like I was always depressed and never good enough for him. Later the things that I was getting hit and yelled for were just plain stupid (eg. closing the door to my room because I wanted privacy).
People at school never really understood what went on at my home. I usually didn’t tell anyone about it, but when I found Xanga I just vented (if you go to my earliest posts you can still see it). In the past, I was criticized for venting on Xanga and was told to do something about it. Although I do agree with that statement with someone at this age, when your a teenager you’re kind of stuck living with your parents. Also I never made people read my Xanga back then, it was their choosing. Similarly like TV, if you don’t like it, you don’t have to watch.
Later when I graduated from high school, I was probably at my all time low. My relationship with Nancy was going down the shithole and there were more family problems. No one except my mom showed up to my graduation, which to this day I still appreciate… but that’s another story. Throughout high school, I put a lot of hard work and effort into my studies and thought I at least deserved some appreciation. It was a hard pill to swallow that hard work and effort won’t get you everywhere in life. It just sucked to see everyone else’s family taking pictures and congratulating them. No one was really there for my graduation. Looking back at it, its really not a big deal. However, back then I really wanted some attention and appreciation for my work.
My grandfather died when my dad was a child and I totally understand that my dad had a really hard life without his father. My uncle used to tell me that when my dad was a kid, he socially awkward and really lonely. I can definitely relate to that. As an adult, he displaced a lot of anger and frustration toward my mom and I. Luckily, Chris (my younger brother) was always my dad’s favorite child and never got yelled at for stupid things. Especially as a teenager, Chris always had more opportunities than I ever did.
Joining a kung fu school in Chinatown and travelling to China for student exchange would of never happened when I was a teenager. I had to fight for a lot of the things that Chris gets now. I remember during college my dad was totally against me going to Hong Kong. I basically gave him the old “fuck you, I’m 21 I can do what I want whether you like it or not”. There’s a bunch of other occasions but it doesn’t really matter. In the end, I’m really happy that things were much easier for my brother. I never wanted him to go through frustration and bullshit that I went through. At the same time, I know my brother takes there opportunities for granted, such as his China trip or idea that he deserves a car. Not to be a dick, but how the hell are you going to maintain a car without a job, brah?
I’m happy the way things eventually turned out though. Even though I went through hell, my dad did teach me important values. Because of my dad I never look down on any careers whether it is a trash man or a CEO. Because of my dad I know my times tables (VERY PAINFUL EXPERIENCE WITH THE DUSTER). Because of my dad, I was disciplined so I wouldn’t be a little shit. My experience with my father, gave me insight on what to do and not to do as a (distant) future father
Either way, despite how you treated me dad… Happy Fathers Day.
Love your son,