Having more hard times

Been having a hard time today.

Everything in my life is going well. I gave a talk not too long ago. RH is picking up… everything is going well on the outside.

But I was listening to some songs… like Knoc and DMX last hope and I couldn’t help but think about my grandma. I miss her. She sacrificed so much for me and had so much love for me… and to have that gone? It just hurts.

Logically I know she’s in a better place. I know everyone has their day. I know she isn’t suffering anymore. But apart of me is still dealing with the fact is that all those childhood memories… are going to stay memories. I can’t go back to those times.


Shitting the bed

Recently I’ve been feeling so burnt out. I don’t have the drive to go to Jiujitsu or MMA. I’m not hitting my numbers going into the gym. When it comes to content creation, I’ve just been drawing blanks. Shit. I don’t even feel like editing thumbnails to videos and what not.

Not sure what’s going on.

Sometimes overtraining and burnout creep up on me. One week I feel GREAT… then the next week I’m totally dead.

A part of me feels just beat up with life right now. Been catching so many L’s.

Some of things that have bothering me…

  • Everyone is literally going crazy on me (from random drivers, close friends, patients, and even fans). My intent isn’t to piss them off. They pretty much go off at me. Even when I admit fault, they still treat me like I’m the scum of the world. Maybe part of it is displacement of how they feel.
    • I need to figure out how to not let these people bother me or how to emotionally release my frustration. When it comes to Pareto’s principle, I’m spending 80% here and it is giving me 0 results.
  • I miss grandma. I miss spending the whole day doing nothing and not worrying about anything. I would just spend the whole day eat Oreos, McDonald’s, and watch TV all day. She taught me so much about life… even in death. Seeing her gone is like have a piece of my childhood taken away. I just remember very vividly closing the casket and that was the last I saw of her. I never really thought that I would have to carry her casket out.
  • Catching L’s missing the flight. Sometimes things are just out of my control. I never knew it was spring break. Yes I could have left earlier and it was my fault for not packing days before. Part of me was so exhausted… and apart of it was dealing with Nelyn that week. She wanted to do so much for me… but what I needed was time alone and time to get my stuff done. Not go-karting or balloon, but get my shit done. I should have been more firm… It’s okay though. Now I know.
  • Saying goodbye to Nelyn was really hard last week. For someone that treated me well and made me the center of her world, it was definitely a different experience and reminded me of myself when I was younger. I really think if it was a few years back we would of made a good fit. I realize that now it wasn’t completely her fault for frustrating the fuck out of me… but it was myself. Even though I voiced how I felt, I needed to enforce it. Be stronger and say no. When she stepped over my boundary, I shouldn’t have tolerated it.
  • Tolerating bullshit is not the way to go. Part of being a man is to do things that might hurt people, but it’s for the better good for all parties.
    • I don’t know why but apart of me was ashamed. Maybe she wasn’t the hottest girl I’ve been with… I don’t know. I just know that I shouldn’t feel that way about a significant other. This probably made her some what crazier and possessive.
  • Car problems. A part of me is so frustrated. Who knew that my car had a recall and my doors wouldn’t lock? Yeah I was pissed going to the dealership on my off day and dealing with a d-bag employee… even while I was being kind to him. Who knew that some lady would hit me on the way to 85 degrees in LA? I’m probably going to get hit with a $500 deductible now. To top everything off, I ran over a nail and had to get new tires. Apart of me is very thankful that I’ve prepared for times like this and that things weren’t that bad… but another part of me is just frustrated as fuck. It’s okay to feel like this and it’s normal to be frustrated. What else can you do but prepare?
  • God damn I’m so clumsy. I knocked over my gimbal and broke it while eating with my friends in Boston. Another $350 down the drain -_-
  • I broke an olive jar and cut my self -_-
  • I spilled coffee all over my shoes waiting at the dealership.
  • I’m feeling hella awkward at events and talking to people. I’m just stuck in my own head. Instead of learning more about others I keep on thinking about myself. Not sure why I’m being so self conscious recently.
  • My friendship with John ended really weird. All of a sudden one day he contacted me saying that I never treated him that well and he thought we were better people. I always went out of my way to help this guy. Maybe I wasn’t perfect, but I’m always willing to talk about what he was pissed off about. Whatever I did, it was more than 10 years ago. I’m just done. It’s not my fault girls don’t like him. It’s not my fault that he’s unhappy with his life. It’s been so many years after high school and college… we always have plenty of opportunity to rebuild our lives. After all I’ve done that multiple times by moving. I’m just done. I don’t have time to deal with people’s issues and I don’t have the time… especially if they don’t want to talk about it. Nothing I can do, but decide to terminate our friendship and move on. It’s the best for both of us.

I usually don’t like to rant. But I think this week I’ve definitely learned that doing the right thing isn’t easy… Sometimes things can be win-win, but still be hard. I felt like death was a huge topic I’ve been lingering on… and the legacy I want to leave behind. Also insurance is a necessary evil. It’s not about the money anymore at this point… its about time and cognitive effort. I don’t want to spend the time anymore any mudda bullshit. I’m very grateful for the lessons I’ve learned over the 

But some good things also happened these last two weeks as well.

  • I got 3 bonus checks
  • Applied for DM/coordinator 🙂
  • DJ drama was dope
  • Friends form home remembering and treating me out for my bday
  • Seeing my parents and seeing them happy
  • Seeing Kobe’s last Celtics game… and seeing him lose, but school a bunch of points
  • Reading books like Rich dad guide to investing
  • Meeting an inspiring guy on the plane who also likes Tony Robbins