Oh man. It’s been so long since I’ve written in this thing. Why did I stop?
Honestly I enjoy writing with out people watching me. I don’t feel pressured to do anything or filter myself. I can be my “true” self… without the pressure to perform.
One thing that I’ve been sort of fucking up is “state”. Tony Robbins refers to this quite a bit. Basically it’s how to control your temperament and mindset… and recently I’ve been straight up not being able to control it.
I notice it in the pharmacy. I just don’t want to talk, which is unlike me. When people give me attitude, instead of keeping myself level headed, I feel myself getting passive aggressive. And today when Cindy was picking up her boxes that I got in the pharmacy, I straight up didn’t want to wait.
Sometimes I feel this pressure… like a lighter is right under my ass. There’s pressure for me to perform. To be the top pharmacy. To be an entrepreneur. To always put out content. To help others while I’m sleeping.
It’s a double edged sword. On one hand, it makes me feel amazing when I actually get everything out on time… but it makes me feel so guilty when I don’t perform.
I feel like a lot of people look at me and think so highly of me. But when I look in the mirror, I still see average. There’s so much for me to accomplish and not enough hours in the day. It’s quite depressing.
My body isn’t the way I want it to be. I should be producing content more efficiently. I should be working faster and harder if I want to be a full time entrepreneur. I can’t talk to girls and random people like I could before because I’m worried about judgement. I can’t express how I truly feel toward girls because I hate the feeling of vulnerability.
It’s not the fact that I can’t do those things, but maybe that I’m just unwilling to put in the work to be uncomfortable.
But I try to take it one step at a time.
To not be so hard on myself. To practice gratitude to give thanks to others and realize how far I’ve come along. To admit I fucked up… no matter how uncomfortable it is.
Yes… There’s always room for improvement. But it’s time to let myself go. I’m almost 30. To do the uncomfortable. To practice stoic thinking and philosophy.
In some ways, I have all the good people and positive vibes around me. I have successful friends who believe in me. I have all the tools in the world.
When I die, I want to die knowing that I left the world a better place. That I was a true homie that helped people.
Nothing and no one is going to stop me from my hustle and contribution.