I cried like a little bitch today

So today was my second day at Choice. We had to do this exercise where we lock eyes with someone for 15 minutes. Me being terrified and nervous of attractive women, I chose a girl I was attracted to.

It was a surreal experience. We locked eyes and she initially had trouble locking eyes. It’s probably the longest I’ve ever looked at someone before and it’s crazy how much trust you can build.

I didn’t feel nervous or scared. It felt natural.

Then we imagined our parents and played and acted how our parents treated us. And this is where I felt like a complete asshole.

All my life my mom has always been there for me. Everything from picking me up at school, going out to eat with me, fixing me a hot meal… she was ride or die hustler. All while doing a 9-5 job.

On the other hand, my dad. He was a huge asshole. Always putting me down and he made me feel like I was never enough. Nothing I did was ever good enough and it was the source of my childhood pain and insecurity/lack of trust in myself.

And it wasn’t only about me.

I got to see how my partner’s mom and dad left her life and I suddenly understood why she was so cold coming in and why she didn’t trust people. It was completely natural. Her mom left her and her dad didn’t want her.

From then on I thought we had this unspoken relationship, which was pretty dope.

Later in the day I learned a lot about responsibility and where I’ve fucked up in my business and relationships.

With my relationships I learned how to set up a few things…

What I did: I chose to ignore all the signs of our relationship when she was unhappy.

What I didn’t do: I chose to not have those difficult conversations with her and let our communication go from BID to QMonth.

How I set myself up for this outcome: Going in the relationship I knew the possibility of breakup from a long distance relationship. We never had an exit strategy.

For my business, it’s the same thing.

I started missing my deadlines for my blogs and products. What it was costing me was believing in and trusting myself. It was costing me my dreams to help people on a scalable level and left feeling there was opportunity on the table. It’s costing me my dream to take my family out to an all expense paid trip.

And it was a crazy feeling going from victim to the power of choice. I chose to be in those relationships. I chose to not give enough time and attention to my blog.

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Sipping on the koolaid

So right now I’m in Vegas at this Choice Program.

No lie I thought I was joining a cult with some loser ass people there, but it’s been a pretty cool experience so far. A lot of the other people feel the same way too, which made me feel a lot better.

One of the first questions that I got asked was why did I want to be here? That was a good fucking question.

Somewhere along the way I told myself that I wanted to have a better relationship with myself and other people. Especially growing up in an Asian community, we’re always competing trying to kill each other. In the process, we develop the mentality that we’re never good enough and to never make mistakes

In someways it’s humbling to experience and it’s gotten me this far in life. It got me that PharmD that I always wanted and the six figure paycheck. Make it rain money!

But also in order to grow, I need to grow beyond what I know. I don’t trust myself when it comes to picking up girls or going up to random people… despite being an extreme extrovert. I don’t trust myself to eat what I kill in the business world because I still haven’t pumped out my product yet.

What’s stopping me?

Is it my relationship with my dad and feeling that I’m never again? Is it that I’m terrified of being alone at the top? Is it that I’m scared to be willing to risk all this work for nothing?

Anyways gotta sleep soon. Day 2 is ahead of us.