I’m frustrated

Out of all the emotions I’ve been feeling recently, I have to say frustration has popped up. What am I frustrated about?

Retarded ass people in the pharmacy who don’t listen. Whiney ass people who just complain all day and don’t do anything. Myself not moving quicker with life. As I’m writing this, I’m starting to realize… I frustrated when life begins to stagnant. No progress.

In some ways this is unrealistic. Progression isn’t always linear. I sometimes wonder if I was given more time in a day… would I feel the same exact way?

And sometimes progress isn’t so black and white. How do you know if you’re making progress toward your relationship?

I think a lot of the time, especially with long term goals like dieting, there’s always lull moments. Like recently I’ve been stuck around 188 lbs for the last few months. And then all of a sudden I dropped 3 lbs. Or like weight lifting. For a few months, I’ll be at 315 for my squat… and then poof all of a sudden it’s easy as fuck.

Is it unreasonable to have periods of stagnation? Of course not.

So why do I get so un-patient?

Maybe because I feel like there’s not enough time in the world. That I need to start enjoying my life ASAP.

As I’m writing I’m thinking about my podcast with Calvin. How sucking is apart of the process. It’s natural to suck and you’re going to suck. Experience comes with time. Sometimes you can’t shortcut or hack that.


And I think about most of my long term goals… writing a book, YouTube channel, even building a physique of greatness LOL. I get frustrated at all these things because I feel like I’m not moving fast enough.

I compare myself everyday with my own standards of perfection. I feel this pressure to perform not because of anyone or anything, but it’s because I feel the scarcity in my own life. Maybe in the past it was my dad, parents, or friends but it’s myself.

Part of this journey will have to be learning to accept that… hey. I’m trying my best. As long as I focus on the mastermind game plan, I will be fine. Everything will be fine. It’s okay to make mistakes. It’s okay not to be perfect. Because honestly… no one cares.

What I’ve learned this last past week on my cruise and through taking ownership and responsibility of my life is that no one cares. It doesn’t change the way people look at me or love me. That love is unconditional and I need to show that same love to myself.

If anything, taking ownership has brought me closer to people.

Is it my job that is holding me back or is it myself? Am I the reason why Refugee Hustle isn’t growing? Am I the reason why I’m not a balling ass affiliate marketer? Yes. It is me. Why? I don’t let myself make mistakes in life and be vulnerable.

Which leads me to think… being vulnerable sometimes sucks. Why? By being vulnerable, you are able to get hurt. You’re not running away from how you truly feel. And as I’m typing this, I realize that this is how I treat my nonexistent dating life.

I’m too hurt by my cheating ex in high school, the hood rat in college, my love of my life in HK, and the girl I lusted for in pharmacy school. I held on to all of this playing victim card. Even though I take responsibility now for everything that happened, I need to take responsibility of my dating life.

The reason why I feel lonely about my dating life is because of the choices I’m making. I choose to not let myself feel and be vulnerable. I choose to let others opinions affect me rather than life and truly love someone for who they are. I choose not to be powerful, authentic, and compassionate… just to be safe.

Every time I do this a piece of me dies. Just because I promised this to myself. This was the greatest gift I gave to myself after choice. And here I am just ignoring it.

I’m very grateful for Nessa pushing me. I need to sign up for relationships and masters. I need to ask a girl on a date and ask for feedback. I need to ask for brutal feedback on why I get friendzoned. In reality, how can other people find me sexy, if I don’t truly believe that I am an attracted strong man?

Everyone in this world believes in me, but myself. And I’m tired of it. That’s where my true frustration stems from.

I’m glad I stuck my commitment to the morning pages. Palabra foo.

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Not going to lie.

Apart of me feels like I’m drifting. Why I haven’t been on top of my shit?

This weekend I’ve been waking up hella late. Why? I’ve been going out during the weekend just having fun. And for some reason my body won’t let me wake up earlier lol. It’s like my body respects myself.

On another note my body has also been cutting up. People noticed on my stream that I’m darker and more handsome. I’m losing weight and my jawline is coming out. My fans even said that keto was working.

Something this week on my mind is doing my car recall and getting my key fixed by the valet company. I also want to see Angela, Vivian, Josh, Can, Bree, and Jackie too for some reason.

But back to that G-Eazy/Chris Brown/Tory Lanez song. I’ve been listening it over and over again. And for some reason it’s hitting home for me.

Because I feel like in my life that I’m just wandering with my career and being an entrepreneur. I feel like I’m wading in the waters for my relationship life just waiting for something to change.

And maybe that’s why I thought about Thao and messaged her. For someone who’s lost all her friends and went through the flood during Hurricane Katrina, I respect her so much. It takes a true complete person to take such responsibility in their life.

And I respect that. There’s no excuses for your success. Even more than that she takes care of all the people around her. In some ways, I don’t get the sense she is giving out of validation… but because she wants to. She believes that it the right thing.

It’s not to say that she doesn’t get stressed or bothered by things. Of course everyone has those moments, but the resiliency I see in her is crazy.

It reminds me of my grandparents and what they did to get here in America. By any means. No excuses. Just do it.

In some ways when I look at the mirror in myself, I’m always trying to look for that magic pill. That secret… but in reality there is no secret. There is no pill for hard work.

What is the secret? Commitment. And I think that’s the reason why I can’t get into a relationship. I’m too busy thinking about what’s right or wrong and won’t let myself make mistakes and take responsibility for that.

If I’m always so caught up in making the “right” decision, I’ll never let myself be vulnerable to have true connection with someone. I’ll always feel like I’m missing out and that I can do better.

But in truth there is no better. There is no right or wrong. The worst thing that I can do is not make a commitment and not take responsibility for my actions. This is what enrollment means.

It means aligning someone with my vision. Taking a stand for someone regardless what they think and telling them unconditionally what you think is right. But at the same time it’s not forcing a BBC down their throat.

It’s a simple act of… if they’re ready and want to hear the truth you lay it on. And it’s totally fine to not be ready. You can’t force people to change.

Apart of my also thinks a lot about the people in my life that I could have been with… but why didn’t it happen?

Was it them? Of course not. It was because of myself. Just like how an MMA fighter is responsible if a fight goes to decision, I’m equally as responsible for being a little bitch man and talking with girls.

What is this costing me?

Do I wanted to continue living a life full of regret and a life of what I could have done? Fuck no.

So this weekend I’m going to go to Vegas and maybe smash a few hynas. Just kidding, but really I need to start picking up girls and taking responsibility for my life. Things aren’t just going to pop out of ass and shoot rainbows.

God damn. Still can’t think of anything to fill up this 50 words left.

And I think about my friends sister. How badly I missed out on that opportunity and how I wish she was still interested in me. Even when people just do shit for sex or the motion, at the end of the day most people are looking for connection and want to feel fucking alive.

Palabra foo.

Kevin Yee

Being powerful, compassionate, and authentic when life shits the bed

Who would have figured that a valet person would haven broken my key?!?

Man recently life has been throwing these random obstacles at me. It’s also taught me to not take no for an answer.

The valet place clearly broke my key to my Ford Fusion, which is a $200 cost. The manager was being an asshole and said my key was loose and broken prior to the valet service. He also said that the valet insurance does not cover the car… which makes no fucking sense..

Also something else even more unprofessional was that they didn’t even have damage claim forms available. What happens when they damage your property? Where the hell is the documentation?

And this asshole of a manager has the nerve to say… since you’re Korean. I’m doing you a favor. I will pay for the key if the dealership says it’s our fault.

First asshole I’m not Korean. Second no fucking shit you should pay for the god damn key. Take responsibility. This is your company.

But I think about all the good things that came out of this situation as well…

  1. I talked to Jose the kid who I think broke my key. He felt really bad. Like I understand shit happens and he was really hard working and tried to get the key out of my ignition. I tipped the kid an extra $5. Wanted to support a fellow hustler too.
  2. On the way back, I was walking and saw a girl with cool blue hair. It was sexy as fuck. Told her too. Made her day 🙂
  3. Also saw another hot K-town chick in her beamer. Helped tell her that her lights were on. She smiled. Should of went for the number.
  4. I was there for my friend Mike.
  5. I picked up Carol and Jason to go back home and even went to party at Blue J.
  6. I didn’t let myself get treated poorly. I asked for advice and filed insurance against this fucker. I also didn’t take no for an answer.

What I learned about this experience is that… yeah it’s okay to get pissed. Shit happens. But even if you’re pissed, you still need to be powerful, compassionate, and authentic.

at least that’s what I promised myself.

And even as I’m typing this, I’m realizing that more and more I want to do relationships. It’s scary man. That’s a breakthrough and a breakdown. I just need support and to reach out if I need it.

Something that Peter said to me that stuck home was that you can’t do life by yourself. It’s true. I can’t. I need to let go. I need to be vulnerable against a bigger crowd and to be okay failing.

I can’t stopping about friend’s sister too. That moment felt so real and I didn’t relish and embrace that moment. Apart of me felt like I was floating on air because of that kiss. Kinda gay as fuck.

And when I think about it… is it really about that girl? Or is it about me?

Do I feel lonely? Do I feel like I need validation in the world that I’m an attractive man?

Deep down inside I want to feel accepted. I want to feel loved. No matter how much I try to avoid it or numb myself from it. It doesn’t change.

Every single goal that I have is committed to proving myself so I can be better. But in truth, nothing changes. I am this person.

But how can I ever truly love someone if I can’t love myself? Sex is amazing in the moment, but what good is it if the feeling doesn’t stay?

Some people chase that one night stand feeling. There’s a thrill of picking up a girl and bringing her to your place. You don’t know what going to happen. But then just like doing a mountain of cocaine, there’s a huge crash.

We’re looking for that inmate gift of unconditional love. So often do I hear, love yourself and you can love others. But honestly, you can learn from both. Who says you can’t learn about unconditional love but showing it to others too?

God damn. My love life is in shambles. It’s non-existent. And I keep thinking… the longer I wait, the more fucked up I will be and the longer I go without truly trusting myself.

What is this costing me?

On the other hand, I’m thinking about making Runyon a regular thing. And going to Vegas next week. KBBQ soon too. It’s lit!

Kevin Yee

 

Recently I was talking with my friend Priscilla hours before and was telling her I felt like a fraud whenever people complimented me or told me the good that they saw in me.

The other day I was with a my friend Mai and her sister at Apt 503. That exact same thing happened. It’s pretty crazy. For the last few times I’ve been hanging out with Mai, especially that time spending it at Argyle, I’ve been feeling guilt.

I don’t know why. I guess I feel kinda shitty that someone would like me and I don’t feel the same way. Apart of it might be due to my constant need or desire to please people.

Anyways I notice her sister. She’s wicked cute and I notice she starts flirting with me. Immediately she throws herself against me. Apart of me is like PALABRA foo this is amazing. Another part of me felt kinda grimey and started making excuses… Do you really want a girl this easy? Remember what happened last time? Easy come easy go man.

And I noticed that I constantly push myself away. But from time to time I saw her by herself. I didn’t want her to feel lonely you know? And her sister was going HAM… dancing. Apart of me was like… man I should have talked to Mai about how she felt about me.

But on the other hand it was pretty crazy. Her sister asked me to leave the place and take her home to fuck. One part of me was like… man I totally want to. It’s the thrill of feeling wanted… feeling desired… why? Because I don’t feel the same toward myself.

And on the other hand I felt extreme guilt. That I didn’t feel the same way about her sister and didn’t want to hurt her feelings. I thought it would be disrespectful to take her sister home with me and disregard her feelings.

So I push away. I respond… As much as I want to I can’t. I don’t think Mai would like that. I don’t want to hurt your sister.

So she withdraws, gets off the couch, and talks to other guys.

It’s 12 AM. I promised myself that I had to go. I had work in the morning and I wanted to get up early to take care of my own shit.

So I say bye to the group. Her friends stop me. One of her friends was like… If you leave Sandra will think you’re an assholeThey’re encouraging me to stay. She’s obviously interested in me. Shit I’m obviously attracted to her even though she’s a 21 Savage.

But I stick to my guns.

I’m sorry I gotta go. I gotta wake up.

Her friends insist.

At least grab her number! Go spend sometime together.

Sandra pulls me to the side. She gazes into my eyes and inches closer. In my head I’m like… Oh no man. She’s going to kiss me.

She kisses me.

It feels great. For so long I haven’t felt like anyone was interested in me. Now I have this 21 savage in front of me… DTF and everything.

But inside there was this voice… Kevin do the right thing.

I didn’t want to stop, but I told her…

I can’t do this. Your sister wanted me to bring her home last time. I didn’t feel the same way and I told her I couldn’t. I’m obviously really attracted to you and vice versa. I don’t want to hurt your sister… and I don’t think you want to either.

She starts crying.

In my head, I’m like… are you gay Kevin?!?

It sucks man. I don’t want to hurt anyone, but I end up hurting people anyways. It wasn’t my intention.

Hey you should spend time with your sister. I walk her away. I kiss her on the cheek and leave.

I call Rick… my choice homie.

Honestly I don’t even know what I said that night. All I remember was that he was in line for corn and him asking… Do you really care about this? Make a decision and move on.

And that’s why this is on my mind.

I don’t trust myself. The reason why I was unsure and had trouble making the decision was because there’s scarcity in my life with dating and intimacy.

I woke up knowing that I made the right decision. Was I powerful, authentic, and compassionate with my actions? Yes, yes, and fuck yes.

And that’s the part that sucks. If I keep on neglecting my relationships and intimacy in life, I will always doubt myself. I’ll continue to believe that I’m not sexually desirable. When people tell me things, I won’t believe them. I will always doubt myself.

Fuck that shit. I need to work on this man. For my own sake and if I want to be the best version of myself.

My book

For today’s morning pages, I really want to focus on my book.

I think about what exactly my book should be about… all I know is that love is guiding my decision to write this book. Right after choice, I wanted to write something for my brother and my fans… out of love.

I just wanted to leave something behind. When I die, I wanted all my life lessons in this book left behind through the eyes of pharmacy.

It doesn’t have to be pharmacy. I wanted to share 10 of the most important stories in my life so far.

Things like joining a…

  • MLM
  • Joining Choice (a cult)
  • Getting double leg take downed and submitted by a 13 year old
  • Cheating on my stats exam…
  • Things like bonding with my father after him abusing me, spending 5 dinners, and him showing up when I needed it most with my grandma
  • Wanting to kill myself when I was younger
  • First investment and hitting my first $100K
  • Getting into pharmacy school
  • Graduating pharmacy school
  • Being unhappy with pharmacy and being unsatisfied
  • Being lonely and feeling like no one loved me in high school
  • Dressing up as a homeless person
  • Asking for feedback from a friend who friend zoned me
  • The cruise ship game
  • Bonding with my cousins and brother on the cruise
  • Finding Plan B in Hong Kong
  • Hooking up with a girl and dating in the office
  • Dealing with a snapchat pregnancy scares
  • Struggling with weight my whole life and doing keto and IF
  • High blood pressure and conquering with In N Out
  • Clutching my Ralphs job
  • Living with YouTubers
  • My failed business with my brother
  • YouTube life
  • Auto tune on my computer
  • Feeling like a dumb ass in high school (it’s not the knowledge that makes you smart. It’s the combined human)
  • Giving from your heart and truly giving from your heart
  • My grandma dying on me
  • Respecting yourself
  • Taking ownership up and down the ladder
  • Making things work with Disneyland
  • Piercing my penis
  • Sneaking into clubs and not regretting it
  • Why I cut out my best friend
  • What I learned driving a 3 hour commute
  • Investing for the first time in my life and losing a shit ton of money
  • Hitting my first overdraft fee
  • Buying a $400 DX racer chair
  • Spending $499 on a life coach per month

Wow I didn’t even thing about writing that much about the actual ideas. It just came out. I think that’s the number one thing that will help me on my journey for writing my book… these morning pages.

When I think about assets, I just met this pharmacist Jeff Lim too. Apparently he’s a publisher. And I just read James Altucher’s guide to self publishing. Also I know Eddie Park who is a best selling author and lead me through the rough guide of publishing. I reached out to Eric Barker as well. And my friend Matt Tran also released his book too. Obviously Coach Calvin as well. The Artist Way and the morning pages will save my ass as well.

Sticking points about the book will probably be following through with the book. It’s a huge task and project that I’m trying to get out. If I struggle with creating a blog post, I’m definitely going to struggle with doing the book.

But it’s good. Other than for others it’ll build self love and confidence in myself to do bigger things. It shows dedication and self validation that I’m more than just a pharmacist. It’ll help me through my endeavors as a coach and YouTube. Fuck I can even through the book on ClickBank too and launch affiliate marketing campaigns 🙂

I’m not doing this for money. The main thing I’m trying to do is trying to spread the word, brand, and credibility out there. Who knows? It might open other opportunities out there like paid speaking gigs. Do I want to be a best seller? Not really. It would be cool but on the other hand I don’t feel like I need validation for the person who I already am and know.

As I’m writing I think about the need for me to share unique stories to help people make better decisions in their lives and feel confident about their decisions. To take responsibility in their lives. So stories have to be real, genuine, and authentic. No mudda bullshit man.

I want it to feel like a true homie or brother is delivering the word. My realness is what’s going to make or break this book and make it relatable to my audience.

 

Today is going to the best day ever. 

This morning I supported Sandy and Kyessa. What I realized was that not every meeting is super deep, where there has to be a meaningful impact. Especially with days of strategy, I need to find a better way to ask questions to help my clients find their own solutions and have patient with myself and not force my answer with someone.

Recently I’ve been also feeling burnt out. Like I don’t really want to talk about the cruise because honestly it’s straight up tiring sometimes. I feel like I have to share every single detail and doing that is very tiring and exhausting. On the bright side, I’ve been growing quite a bit everywhere else in my life… especially with digital marketing and what not.

I sometimes wonder why with affiliate marketing why I’m delaying. It’s not that hard to setup my tracker, but I need to budget and set out some time to take care of my errands. Sometimes I wonder what the delay is… maybe apart of it is avoidance. Just like editing my vlogs from ATL, Portland and Bermuda.

When I think about everything I sort of get anxious. I start about other things I need to do.

What are the things that I need to do?

Continue working on my e-course for RH. Write blogs. Edit videos for my channel. Write stories on IG. Write my book for my brother. Workout. Do yoga. Do jiujitsu. Meal prep. Create music. See and schedule time to see my friends. Coach my life coaching clients. Launch an affiliate marketing campaign. Read a book. These morning pages.

When I think about what I need write now and look into myself and ask what I need most, I think it’s a schedule, strategy, and tactic to do everything. 

I wonder how top performers balance everything in school with their extracurricular. I don’t think life ever gets easier. It’s something I’ve always struggled with since in college. How do I find the time or organize my time so I’m more efficient.

Just worked out. It feels great to know that Malan from MAD society appreciates my small wins. How I went on the stream told him that a month ago, I didn’t understand shit. Now I understand what they’re talking about and I have tools to instantly cut campaigns and safe myself some money.

A lot of good things came out from going on today’s stream. I got to voice my opinion and ask questions from an expert. I’m not lost. I need to launch at least 12 campaigns in the month of August.

Things like asking the campaign manager what’s hot… what are the top 10 hottest campaigns right now and using spy tools to see whether other people are running them is going to be useful too. This is all because I created it.

Tomorrow I will be meeting up Priscilla. Sometimes I get really intimated by really good looking girls. I don’t know why. Sometimes I feel like I have something to prove, but in reality I have nothing to prove at all. I just want real genuine connection. If people don’t like me or want to connect with me that’s fine. I have to go about showing myself unconditional love. Do whatever the fuck it takes.

Last thing on my mind is actually my book. Tony told me that the best way to figure out a book is a list of questions. What do I want this book to be about? I want it to be book of life lessons through the eyes of pharmacy to my brother. If I were to die tomorrow, I would want my brother to know all these life lessons I’ve learned.

Also for my audience I would want them to get a better idea whether they should go into pharmacy or not. Full disclosure what to expect that it’s not easy money or an easy road. The business is changing in a positive direction. But days of just cruising are over. Not only do we have to think about ROI, but we have to think about ROE… return on energy. PALABRA fool.

Twenty something words left to type.

My bad for getting to this so late in the day. I need to commit in the morning so I can have better work flow throughout the day. I also need to send out my books and fulfill my promise to my fans that wanted those books.

 

I’m frustrated

Out of all the emotions I’ve been feeling recently, I have to say frustration has popped up. What am I frustrated about?

Retarded ass people in the pharmacy who don’t listen. Whiney ass people who just complain all day and don’t do anything. Myself not moving quicker with life. As I’m writing this, I’m starting to realize… I frustrated when life begins to stagnant. No progress.

In some ways this is unrealistic. Progression isn’t always linear. I sometimes wonder if I was given more time in a day… would I feel the same exact way?

And sometimes progress isn’t so black and white. How do you know if you’re making progress toward your relationship?

I think a lot of the time, especially with long term goals like dieting, there’s always lull moments. Like recently I’ve been stuck around 188 lbs for the last few months. And then all of a sudden I dropped 3 lbs. Or like weight lifting. For a few months, I’ll be at 315 for my squat… and then poof all of a sudden it’s easy as fuck.

Is it unreasonable to have periods of stagnation? Of course not.

So why do I get so un-patient?

Maybe because I feel like there’s not enough time in the world. That I need to start enjoying my life ASAP.

As I’m writing I’m thinking about my podcast with Calvin. How sucking is apart of the process. It’s natural to suck and you’re going to suck. Experience comes with time. Sometimes you can’t shortcut or hack that.


And I think about most of my long term goals… writing a book, YouTube channel, even building a physique of greatness LOL. I get frustrated at all these things because I feel like I’m not moving fast enough.

I compare myself everyday with my own standards of perfection. I feel this pressure to perform not because of anyone or anything, but it’s because I feel the scarcity in my own life. Maybe in the past it was my dad, parents, or friends but it’s myself.

Part of this journey will have to be learning to accept that… hey. I’m trying my best. As long as I focus on the mastermind game plan, I will be fine. Everything will be fine. It’s okay to make mistakes. It’s okay not to be perfect. Because honestly… no one cares.

What I’ve learned this last past week on my cruise and through taking ownership and responsibility of my life is that no one cares. It doesn’t change the way people look at me or love me. That love is unconditional and I need to show that same love to myself.

If anything, taking ownership has brought me closer to people.

Is it my job that is holding me back or is it myself? Am I the reason why Refugee Hustle isn’t growing? Am I the reason why I’m not a balling ass affiliate marketer? Yes. It is me. Why? I don’t let myself make mistakes in life and be vulnerable.

Which leads me to think… being vulnerable sometimes sucks. Why? By being vulnerable, you are able to get hurt. You’re not running away from how you truly feel. And as I’m typing this, I realize that this is how I treat my nonexistent dating life.

I’m too hurt by my cheating ex in high school, the hood rat in college, my love of my life in HK, and the girl I lusted for in pharmacy school. I held on to all of this playing victim card. Even though I take responsibility now for everything that happened, I need to take responsibility of my dating life.

The reason why I feel lonely about my dating life is because of the choices I’m making. I choose to not let myself feel and be vulnerable. I choose to let others opinions affect me rather than life and truly love someone for who they are. I choose not to be powerful, authentic, and compassionate… just to be safe.

Every time I do this a piece of me dies. Just because I promised this to myself. This was the greatest gift I gave to myself after choice. And here I am just ignoring it.

I’m very grateful for Nessa pushing me. I need to sign up for relationships and masters. I need to ask a girl on a date and ask for feedback. I need to ask for brutal feedback on why I get friendzoned. In reality, how can other people find me sexy, if I don’t truly believe that I am an attracted strong man?

Everyone in this world believes in me, but myself. And I’m tired of it. That’s where my true frustration stems from.

I’m glad I stuck my commitment to the morning pages. Palabra foo.