Out of all the emotions I’ve been feeling recently, I have to say frustration has popped up. What am I frustrated about?
Retarded ass people in the pharmacy who don’t listen. Whiney ass people who just complain all day and don’t do anything. Myself not moving quicker with life. As I’m writing this, I’m starting to realize… I frustrated when life begins to stagnant. No progress.
In some ways this is unrealistic. Progression isn’t always linear. I sometimes wonder if I was given more time in a day… would I feel the same exact way?
And sometimes progress isn’t so black and white. How do you know if you’re making progress toward your relationship?
I think a lot of the time, especially with long term goals like dieting, there’s always lull moments. Like recently I’ve been stuck around 188 lbs for the last few months. And then all of a sudden I dropped 3 lbs. Or like weight lifting. For a few months, I’ll be at 315 for my squat… and then poof all of a sudden it’s easy as fuck.
Is it unreasonable to have periods of stagnation? Of course not.
So why do I get so un-patient?
Maybe because I feel like there’s not enough time in the world. That I need to start enjoying my life ASAP.
As I’m writing I’m thinking about my podcast with Calvin. How sucking is apart of the process. It’s natural to suck and you’re going to suck. Experience comes with time. Sometimes you can’t shortcut or hack that.
And I think about most of my long term goals… writing a book, YouTube channel, even building a physique of greatness LOL. I get frustrated at all these things because I feel like I’m not moving fast enough.
I compare myself everyday with my own standards of perfection. I feel this pressure to perform not because of anyone or anything, but it’s because I feel the scarcity in my own life. Maybe in the past it was my dad, parents, or friends but it’s myself.
Part of this journey will have to be learning to accept that… hey. I’m trying my best. As long as I focus on the mastermind game plan, I will be fine. Everything will be fine. It’s okay to make mistakes. It’s okay not to be perfect. Because honestly… no one cares.
What I’ve learned this last past week on my cruise and through taking ownership and responsibility of my life is that no one cares. It doesn’t change the way people look at me or love me. That love is unconditional and I need to show that same love to myself.
If anything, taking ownership has brought me closer to people.
Is it my job that is holding me back or is it myself? Am I the reason why Refugee Hustle isn’t growing? Am I the reason why I’m not a balling ass affiliate marketer? Yes. It is me. Why? I don’t let myself make mistakes in life and be vulnerable.
Which leads me to think… being vulnerable sometimes sucks. Why? By being vulnerable, you are able to get hurt. You’re not running away from how you truly feel. And as I’m typing this, I realize that this is how I treat my nonexistent dating life.
I’m too hurt by my cheating ex in high school, the hood rat in college, my love of my life in HK, and the girl I lusted for in pharmacy school. I held on to all of this playing victim card. Even though I take responsibility now for everything that happened, I need to take responsibility of my dating life.
The reason why I feel lonely about my dating life is because of the choices I’m making. I choose to not let myself feel and be vulnerable. I choose to let others opinions affect me rather than life and truly love someone for who they are. I choose not to be powerful, authentic, and compassionate… just to be safe.
Every time I do this a piece of me dies. Just because I promised this to myself. This was the greatest gift I gave to myself after choice. And here I am just ignoring it.
I’m very grateful for Nessa pushing me. I need to sign up for relationships and masters. I need to ask a girl on a date and ask for feedback. I need to ask for brutal feedback on why I get friendzoned. In reality, how can other people find me sexy, if I don’t truly believe that I am an attracted strong man?
Everyone in this world believes in me, but myself. And I’m tired of it. That’s where my true frustration stems from.
I’m glad I stuck my commitment to the morning pages. Palabra foo.