I’m frustrated

Out of all the emotions I’ve been feeling recently, I have to say frustration has popped up. What am I frustrated about?

Retarded ass people in the pharmacy who don’t listen. Whiney ass people who just complain all day and don’t do anything. Myself not moving quicker with life. As I’m writing this, I’m starting to realize… I frustrated when life begins to stagnant. No progress.

In some ways this is unrealistic. Progression isn’t always linear. I sometimes wonder if I was given more time in a day… would I feel the same exact way?

And sometimes progress isn’t so black and white. How do you know if you’re making progress toward your relationship?

I think a lot of the time, especially with long term goals like dieting, there’s always lull moments. Like recently I’ve been stuck around 188 lbs for the last few months. And then all of a sudden I dropped 3 lbs. Or like weight lifting. For a few months, I’ll be at 315 for my squat… and then poof all of a sudden it’s easy as fuck.

Is it unreasonable to have periods of stagnation? Of course not.

So why do I get so un-patient?

Maybe because I feel like there’s not enough time in the world. That I need to start enjoying my life ASAP.

As I’m writing I’m thinking about my podcast with Calvin. How sucking is apart of the process. It’s natural to suck and you’re going to suck. Experience comes with time. Sometimes you can’t shortcut or hack that.


And I think about most of my long term goals… writing a book, YouTube channel, even building a physique of greatness LOL. I get frustrated at all these things because I feel like I’m not moving fast enough.

I compare myself everyday with my own standards of perfection. I feel this pressure to perform not because of anyone or anything, but it’s because I feel the scarcity in my own life. Maybe in the past it was my dad, parents, or friends but it’s myself.

Part of this journey will have to be learning to accept that… hey. I’m trying my best. As long as I focus on the mastermind game plan, I will be fine. Everything will be fine. It’s okay to make mistakes. It’s okay not to be perfect. Because honestly… no one cares.

What I’ve learned this last past week on my cruise and through taking ownership and responsibility of my life is that no one cares. It doesn’t change the way people look at me or love me. That love is unconditional and I need to show that same love to myself.

If anything, taking ownership has brought me closer to people.

Is it my job that is holding me back or is it myself? Am I the reason why Refugee Hustle isn’t growing? Am I the reason why I’m not a balling ass affiliate marketer? Yes. It is me. Why? I don’t let myself make mistakes in life and be vulnerable.

Which leads me to think… being vulnerable sometimes sucks. Why? By being vulnerable, you are able to get hurt. You’re not running away from how you truly feel. And as I’m typing this, I realize that this is how I treat my nonexistent dating life.

I’m too hurt by my cheating ex in high school, the hood rat in college, my love of my life in HK, and the girl I lusted for in pharmacy school. I held on to all of this playing victim card. Even though I take responsibility now for everything that happened, I need to take responsibility of my dating life.

The reason why I feel lonely about my dating life is because of the choices I’m making. I choose to not let myself feel and be vulnerable. I choose to let others opinions affect me rather than life and truly love someone for who they are. I choose not to be powerful, authentic, and compassionate… just to be safe.

Every time I do this a piece of me dies. Just because I promised this to myself. This was the greatest gift I gave to myself after choice. And here I am just ignoring it.

I’m very grateful for Nessa pushing me. I need to sign up for relationships and masters. I need to ask a girl on a date and ask for feedback. I need to ask for brutal feedback on why I get friendzoned. In reality, how can other people find me sexy, if I don’t truly believe that I am an attracted strong man?

Everyone in this world believes in me, but myself. And I’m tired of it. That’s where my true frustration stems from.

I’m glad I stuck my commitment to the morning pages. Palabra foo.

Back to work at the pharmacy

The last two weeks have been magical for myself. It’s been 12-14 days since I’ve been at the pharmacy. I feel so well rested and ready to attack the day.

Yesterday I finished a blog post on passion and in a sense it’s because of myself I wrote that. It’s these daily morning pages where I allow myself to just write whatever the fuck I want that makes this happen.

But also at the same time, I realize how toxic my job is to myself. Yes apart of me could take the stoic in me and be like… the obstacle is the way. There is opportunity within every obstacle. But also I think it’s important to know when you’re just tired of bullshit.

And that’s one struggle that I go through. Knowing when to quit… especially for my health.

But apart of it is that I’m also not settling for complete regression. My money has to be right. How much money am I truly bringing in?

And that’s why I love affiliate marketing. It’s going to be my savior, but in the last 12-14 days I haven’t touched it. Part of it is because of the cruise I went on and not having internet.

Another part is avoidance where I’m scared shitless about doing new things and losing money. Same goes with my course for Refugee Hustle…. which I’m also very proud because I was writing my chapter 2 of the script.

But in those times of need, I have to remember the principle… Keep it simple stupid.

Along with my entrepreneur goals, I see a lot of the same problems in my clients and in myself. It’s pretty amazing the things I learn from coaching and the advice I pull out from them. It’s often advice for myself.

For example, recently I was talking to my friend Felicia. We slept together a few years back and had this awkward fling thing. To be honest, I never took responsibility for my feelings or how I felt. I always had an attraction to her, but she doesn’t feel the same way… at least I think and from signs.

Anyways during our conversation, we were talking about dating. How she’s been on so many first dates she can’t even count. And she reminded me of something I said years ago that I still believe.

The most shitty feeling is being at the top… but you have no one to share that success with.

Recently I started doubting a lot of my feelings and experiences from choice. Everyone was like “You’re full of life. Powerful, authentic, and compassionate? Yes you are!”. Even my friends say so too.

…but honestly is it true?

If it was true then why am I still single? Why do I feel like no one is attracted to me and wants me?

And the answer? It’s me. I make the choice to avoid it rather than take responsibility of my dating life. In truth, dating life makes me feel scared and inadequate. I don’t want to be hurt again.

And as I’m typing this, I realize how crazy it is. The absurdity of it all. By asking someone out on a date, it’s not like I’m going to get punched in the face or get my head cut off. The person just says “no, I’m not interested”. Most likely they won’t make fun of me. Or be an asshole.

It’s not good or bad. It’s just the way it is and I just need to accept feedback for what it is. I get to choose how I want feedback to affect my life. Not the other way around. And what’s the best way to internalize that?

Embrace the suck. Do whatever the fuck it takes. I get to choose how I want feedback to affect my life.

And that goes to more than just dating. It goes how to handle my relationship at the pharmacy. My YouTube channel. Affiliate marketing journey. My book.

I’m not that little kid anymore. I have all the support in the world. People that love me. People that support me unconditionally. If they don’t see eye to eye, it might be a reflection of myself at that point, but it’s not a reflection of my true self.

All right Kevin. Let’s go kill it for another day.

Kevin

 

Relationships and true connection (7/14/17)

I don’t know why I’m avoiding writing today and writing down how I truly felt. Maybe perhaps a piece of me wants to just enjoy the actual moment than spend time writing. And a piece of it is me just not being organized.
I talked to my dad and mom today. And I couldn’t be happier with the state of my relationship with them. For the first time in my life I felt like I had true connection with them. It all started last night when my grandma was telling us all the shit she wanted to say if she died tomorrow. You know that hit home for me. With my other grandma, I never got to hear anything from her. There was no expression of how she felt. Literally over a few hours she was gone.
So when my Aunt Wendy, Uncle Bob, and Aunt Cindy were just complaining and kept focusing on themselves rather than letting my grandma AKA their MOM fucking speak, yeah I felt pissed off. I felt pissed because they were just so focused on themselves. Not only did they not give a fuck about a couple of friends eating by sitting in their area, but they didn’t care about what the hell my grandma had to say.
When my grandma did finally say everything, she was crying. She was so proud of my brother and felt all the love he gave to my grandma. She appreciated him taking care of her medications and organizing my trip. Apart of me is jealous to be honest and maybe disappointed in myself. But I pulled myself into the moment. Organization is not my forte. I’m special in my own way and being present.
But back to my brother a lot of the time he feels like he’s in my shadow. But he really isn’t. He did this by himself without my help. And it’s a beautiful thing man and I couldn’t be prouder.
Also during the conversation, I got closer to my cousins. Victor and Sebastian. Victor was crying because he felt shitty. You never know that this might be the last time with my grandma and I carried the same guilt. Sebastian was crying because he felt like he couldn’t ever tell grandma how he really felt because of the communication. In someways I related because I can’t communicate with her the way I want to and I don’t always live in the moment for myself. I saw myself in them.
As I’m writing this right now, I was there for them when they needed it the most. I was there out of love and compassion. I told my cousins that I loved them. Powerful, compassionate, authentic man? Fuck yes.
But most importantly I was there for myself.
And it bothered me too. My Aunt Cindy, Wendy, and Uncle Bob kept heckling the whole time. Nigga Sebastian and Victor are your family too. These people are obviously in pain and you choose not to say anything. You choose to stay to the side, fucking laugh, and tease. What does that say about the decisions you make in life? Rather than take away, you choose to take away. What does that say about my decisions too? I choose to stay present in the moment rather than confront and deal with it myself.
And then my dad. He was just chilling on the side line so I asked him what was up. How was he feeling?
Apart of him like myself was angry. And I expressed that to him and I started crying. Because I felt regret for his mom AKA my grandma when she died. That I moved on with my life somewhere along the way by going to California. I never got to express how I truly felt… just like Sebastian. I felt like an asshole.
I honestly don’t remember what exactly was said. But for the first time, I felt like my father and I had a true connection. That he actually supported me for once and told me the words what I needed to know and hear.
He told me that grandma loved me so much. That I gave her purpose in her life and made her life so much richer. He reminded me that this is supposed to happen. That one day I’ll lose my own father and mom as well.
Sometime we have this thought in our mind that we need to suddenly have this moment where we need to tell someone how we feel and spend every waking moment with them… but in reality is that true or realistic? Of course not.
It’s those everyday things where people express how they truly feel about someone. Whether it was going back and bringing food on Christmas or Thanksgiving or just shooting a call. It’s those small things that really matter the most.
And my dad said something that completely shocked me. He agreed that I took most of the shit growing up. But it was his own way of expressing how he felt and cared about me. One thing that I learned was that he cares a lot about unconditional love for family. He knows he gets pissed, but I accept him for it.
He also for the first time in his life said he was proud of me and said I was successful. Those were the fucking words I was looking for the whole time. We must of spend 1-2 hours just talking and connecting. I love it.
The relationship I have to “fix” or face is my brother. Is he ready to look at the mirror? Most likely not. But what’s important to me? Keeping my contract? Being powerful, authentic, and compassion to myself?
It makes me nervous and anxious. Because I don’t know if he’ll look at me the same way again. I don’t say these things because I want to hurt my brother. He’s powerful… he changed his relationship with our grandma and took it to a whole new level. But yet he suffers from the same fate as me and my mom… people pleasing.
Instead of truly giving from his heart, he seeks acceptance. Don’t believe me? Think about all the dinner he has and all the people he treats out. Think about those car rides he gives. Is it truly because he wants to or does he want to give the best impression of people? When people don’t return the favor, how does he feel?
That is the truth. And what is the cost that he’s paying for people pleasing? A disconnect with his own mother? A weird relationship between the family? Is his relationship with his family and girlfriend authentic, real, and authentic? Or is he constantly hiding… trying to put his best face on?
You know regardless of the outcome I need to remind myself of the decision I’m making talking to my brother and avoiding. I need to remember the cost I’m paying, but ignoring reality.
Maybe it’s not a genuine relationship with my brother. Maybe it’s feeling that my relationship with my brother isn’t real and I can’t ask for support. Why? If he can’t be honest with me and tell me about how he feels, then how can I ever ask him for his true feedback?
Anyways Kevin it’s fucking late. Get some sleep homeboy ❤

Today is going to be the best day ever.

Oh man. I felt like this vacation back home was exactly what I needed. In some weird way, the universe aligns to our needs and wants. I just have to allow myself to do the following and to trust the system.

The cruise was one of the most real experiences I’ve had with my family.

  • Mom: I empowered her. Let her know how we both go through the same thing of always giving and trying to please others… even when others don’t do the same. How we don’t believe in ourselves and how speaking up is important not only to voice our opinion, but it’s a sign of respecting ourselves and giving ourselves unconditional love. With my mom, it was always trying to seek validation through my dad’s family, but how can someone appreciate you if you can’t even appreciate yourself? I was so proud of her on this trip for voicing her opinion and walking away at times when it was tough. I gave her a golden nugget and she turned it into the scrooge swimming pool from duck tales LOL.
  • Dad: This is the one that change the most for me. In that moment after my grandmother gave her speech, I started crying to my dad after supporting Victor and Sebastian. I was so angry and I told him how I felt during my childhood and how guilty I felt leaving grandma behind and how I felt like I killed her. But my dad finally supported me when I needed it most. He told me that he knew grandma longer than anyone else in my life. She wanted me to go to California and to move and grow with my life. She wouldn’t want it any other way. It’s how my mom feels right now as well. And most of all? My dad recognized that he wasn’t there for me and gave my the support I needed growing up. Yet he was so proud of me. “Kevin you are successful. I’m so proud of you.“. Damn them feels. After that we spent every night talking about what happened and almost every dinner we had. He didn’t even yell after the trip was over. That’s crazy.
  • Chris: I set him aside to the beach and let him know that there are no mistakes in life. He told me about being overwhelmed with things in his life. Marriage. Job. Career. All these things constantly take a toll on him. As I brother I was there. Focus on one thing at a time. Don’t be scared to make mistakes in life. There is no wrong or right in life. And when you do make a “mistake? Take responsibility. I brought up school and my uncle. No one cares about you making a mistake, but it’s when you’re not transparent it builds distrust. And then after I cried saying that I regret not being there for him and I wanted to have this heart to heart for a long time. How I took responsibility for not being there. And it brought us closer together… Those first 20 years of my life were unforgettable.

The relationships with my cousins were awesome as well. We got closer together and I took a stand for them as well. Even risking an AMBER alert trying to pickup girls for my cousin Victor and saving the moment after my 30 year old cousin started grinding with him. FML man.

But that is unconditional love. No matter what you do, I’ll be there. A1 since day one homie.

What am I doing right now?

What do I need?

 

IG to Angela

There’s over 7.5 billion people on this planet… at least according to google.

And out of that 7.5 billion? I thought about this girl.

Recently I’ve been thinking about my relationships in life and the people who have impacted mine.

We don’t have much in common… other than pharmacy. But friendships don’t have to be about that.

So what is it about?

Supporting each other unconditionally with our goals and whatever tough times were struggling through. She accepts me for all my weird quirks and all. We’re there for each other no matter what.

It so happens to be her birthday too. So of course, I would drive down to OC for a ballin ass steak dinner to celebrate your birthday.

Today I’m grateful for you Angela. Thanks for being a true homie all these years. And enduring all those “I want to fuck you in the ass” YouTube comments.

Love you.

Do I love myself unconditionally?

Forcing myself to write today.

The book was right. There’s days where I just don’t feel like writing. I avoid it. What does that say about me and my life? Am I willing to put in the hard work? Do I tell myself “fuck it” do whatever it takes?

Or do I defeat myself and tell myself negative thoughts? Say to myself that there just isn’t enough time in the day. Basically say there isn’t enough time for me. Or maybe say that I don’t care about myself enough to prioritize myself and take time out of my day for doing what is right and doing what I need to do?

One of the things I’m struggling with is seeing my own progress. The calendar works great. I love the Panda planner, but what I’m realizing is that am I really staying on top of my goals week to week?

I’m killing it so far… at least that’s what I think and say to myself. But have I done a checklist audit on myself? Have I taken the time to do Goldsmith’s checklist for seeing if I do week in and week out? Have I reached out to someone to read me those questions every day/week and supported others?

The truth is no. I’ve done this for other people but not myself.

I think the biggest struggle for me isn’t going to be time. It’s going to be making time for myself and organizing my time. I have a huge fear of commitment and it’s time to face it. What is this costing me?

Every single day I’m in the pharmacy and it drives me crazy dealing with petty problems. I tell myself it’s to build myself as a stronger person, but is it really? Or is it that I’m more comfortable doing nothing and doing what’s risky and best for myself?

People tell me I have all the power in the world. I try to tell myself that I believe it. I tell myself that I’m a powerful, compassionate, authentic leader… but is it true?

Fuck yea. It’s true.

But I choose whether if I want to turn it on or off. These things will come out no matter what. I feel most in touch and happiest when I’m in this state of helping people.

It’s okay to be scared, but it’s not okay to do nothing with my life.

In what ways do I need to show courage in my life?

  1. Not letting being “tired” hold me back from the gym. Doing something is better than nothing.
  2. Take the courage and go to Yoga and Muay thai. Yes it’s brutal. Yes it might kill me. But it’s a reminder that I have the possibility to do the impossible.
  3. Launch my campaign and setup everything for affiliate marketing.
  4. Continue make progress on my course and hit the deadlines I set up. Honor my commitment to myself.
  5. Continue to write the book to my brother and ask the questions where he will need in life I die.
  6. Be more conscious and present with my money. Times being a entrepreneur might be tough. Am I willing to live through the true hard times?

But what’s the most important thing that I need to do for myself?

I need to believe in myself and love myself unconditionally. Through failure or success, it doesn’t matter the outcome. It’s the intent I create and make for myself.

Even though I might be uncertain at times about the outcome, there’s no feeling better having your own back. Most people go though life seeking support from others.

I’m definitely one of those people. For years I just sought out acceptance… often from people I barely knew. I gave not from my heart, but out of desperation. Because I was so god damn lonely all the time.

Some moments that pop up were all those dinners than I treated people in a group setting. Even paying for a dinner for my ex’s friends. Do I even talk to those people anymore? What is my relationship with half those people? And was I giving out of my heart in that situation?

Nada.

Even when I did get “support” or when people told me what I wanted to here, I still didn’t believe it. I didn’t believe in myself.

So of course, I didn’t put my 100% into relationships, my body, or my life goals. I didn’t think I was worth it. And my friends… including Joe and all these other people see it. They see this kind hearted person go through life blaming one thing at a time… but who’s fault was it really?

It was mine.

And it sucks realizing this. Realizing that your your own worst enemy. Realizing that all the success you could have had earlier in life was kept back because of myself.

And now that realize this… I can finally move on, give unconditonally to others, and most importantly give unconditionally to myself.

You can fucking do it Kevin. PALABRA FOO.

Struggling with productivity

Man. Second day doing the morning pages.

No lie. Apart of me is sort of kind dreading doing todays morning pages. Actually that’s how I’ve been feeling a lot about work recently. Everything from writing to editing my videos, it just seems like everything is dragging.

What is going on though is that I’m having quite a few breakthroughs with clients. Most of them are very similar. Not believing in themselves. Struggling with comparing themselves to the perfect self. Putting others first before themselves. Not allowing themselves to fail, make mistakes, or deal with unexpected events. Why do they feel lost?

They feel lost because they constantly doubt themselves and decisions. We don’t love ourselves enough.

It’s kinda like that backseat driver. Granted I wasn’t the best driver in high school, but what happened? When someone is constantly judging you and constantly making remarks, I don’t learn. I feel angry. I feel frustrated and not open to things. That backseat driver?

That backseat driver? It’s usually ourselves.

Anyways back to the dragging and hauling ass. Why am I not getting up early in the morning anymore? Why do I not have those productive waves? Am I tired? Am I exhausted?

Definitely when it comes to sleep that a strong no. I’ve been hacking sleep quite a bit. But maybe it has to do with “refilling the pond”. I felt like after choice everything was just flowing. My workouts were killer. I could call people all the time. In fact I had too many people to call. Great problem to have 🙂

I didn’t care whether people were busy or not. Or what they thought. I just had full love for them. And maybe that’s why I love coaching so much. It’s just constantly refilling of that pond. It’s real connection. Not that fake shit.

And I’ve been wanting to create more music with Ableton. It feels great. I’m finally moving along with my artist goals.

Something that still scares me, but doesn’t scare me as much anymore is Native advertisements and affiliate marketing. Now that I had Adplexity, I feel more guided and that I have all the information that I need. It’s pretty crazy. Once you have the right tools, you suddenly feel this undeniable confidence.

Something else that I’m pretty proud of today was doing my laundry and dumping my SD cards for Bermuda. I don’t know. There’s some thing good that feels about doing my chores. Chores is something that I don’t do enough.

How does this play out in my life?

I don’t prioritize myself enough. I still have all that recyclables in the house. My room is still messy and I don’t do enough to maintain it.

When it comes to my blog, I don’t spend the time to prioritize it. When it comes to fitness like jiujitsu and Barbell Brigade, I skip workouts because of someone else’s needs rather than my own.

But one thing that I did do right today?

I stood up for myself and spoke how I truly felt. When Debbie asked me for money, I respected her needs and mine as well. It taught me that I can so no and it won’t be the end of the world… only if it’s an unconditional relationship.

So when I think about my relationship with Cindy and what happened, I said no. When I said no, shit blew up. Why? It was a conditional relationship.

As I’m writing right now, I’m struggling trying to get to 750 words. It sucks. It feels like I’m just writing anything just to get to the bare minimum. We all have these days. When we don’t give our all. When we just try to get though the day.

But what else does it show me? It shows that I’m resilient in someways. Even when I don’t want to do the “work”, I still show up to play. I show up to win. Because I made a commitment to myself. That I believe that it’s not the short term wins, but it’s the process that matters.

We all have those days.  But how do I get past it? What do I need to win and get past this stumbling block?

Just walk around. Explore a bookstore. Play some music. The artist date. Holy fuck. The answer was in me all this time.

I think honestly after I finish this letter, I’m going to spend some time with myself. I am committed to the artist’s way. It will help me become the best version of myself. It won’t create anything new about me, but unlock what is already there.