Man. Second day doing the morning pages.
No lie. Apart of me is sort of kind dreading doing todays morning pages. Actually that’s how I’ve been feeling a lot about work recently. Everything from writing to editing my videos, it just seems like everything is dragging.
What is going on though is that I’m having quite a few breakthroughs with clients. Most of them are very similar. Not believing in themselves. Struggling with comparing themselves to the perfect self. Putting others first before themselves. Not allowing themselves to fail, make mistakes, or deal with unexpected events. Why do they feel lost?
They feel lost because they constantly doubt themselves and decisions. We don’t love ourselves enough.
It’s kinda like that backseat driver. Granted I wasn’t the best driver in high school, but what happened? When someone is constantly judging you and constantly making remarks, I don’t learn. I feel angry. I feel frustrated and not open to things. That backseat driver?
That backseat driver? It’s usually ourselves.
Anyways back to the dragging and hauling ass. Why am I not getting up early in the morning anymore? Why do I not have those productive waves? Am I tired? Am I exhausted?
Definitely when it comes to sleep that a strong no. I’ve been hacking sleep quite a bit. But maybe it has to do with “refilling the pond”. I felt like after choice everything was just flowing. My workouts were killer. I could call people all the time. In fact I had too many people to call. Great problem to have 🙂
I didn’t care whether people were busy or not. Or what they thought. I just had full love for them. And maybe that’s why I love coaching so much. It’s just constantly refilling of that pond. It’s real connection. Not that fake shit.
And I’ve been wanting to create more music with Ableton. It feels great. I’m finally moving along with my artist goals.
Something that still scares me, but doesn’t scare me as much anymore is Native advertisements and affiliate marketing. Now that I had Adplexity, I feel more guided and that I have all the information that I need. It’s pretty crazy. Once you have the right tools, you suddenly feel this undeniable confidence.
Something else that I’m pretty proud of today was doing my laundry and dumping my SD cards for Bermuda. I don’t know. There’s some thing good that feels about doing my chores. Chores is something that I don’t do enough.
How does this play out in my life?
I don’t prioritize myself enough. I still have all that recyclables in the house. My room is still messy and I don’t do enough to maintain it.
When it comes to my blog, I don’t spend the time to prioritize it. When it comes to fitness like jiujitsu and Barbell Brigade, I skip workouts because of someone else’s needs rather than my own.
But one thing that I did do right today?
I stood up for myself and spoke how I truly felt. When Debbie asked me for money, I respected her needs and mine as well. It taught me that I can so no and it won’t be the end of the world… only if it’s an unconditional relationship.
So when I think about my relationship with Cindy and what happened, I said no. When I said no, shit blew up. Why? It was a conditional relationship.
As I’m writing right now, I’m struggling trying to get to 750 words. It sucks. It feels like I’m just writing anything just to get to the bare minimum. We all have these days. When we don’t give our all. When we just try to get though the day.
But what else does it show me? It shows that I’m resilient in someways. Even when I don’t want to do the “work”, I still show up to play. I show up to win. Because I made a commitment to myself. That I believe that it’s not the short term wins, but it’s the process that matters.
We all have those days. But how do I get past it? What do I need to win and get past this stumbling block?
Just walk around. Explore a bookstore. Play some music. The artist date. Holy fuck. The answer was in me all this time.
I think honestly after I finish this letter, I’m going to spend some time with myself. I am committed to the artist’s way. It will help me become the best version of myself. It won’t create anything new about me, but unlock what is already there.