Forcing myself to write today.
The book was right. There’s days where I just don’t feel like writing. I avoid it. What does that say about me and my life? Am I willing to put in the hard work? Do I tell myself “fuck it” do whatever it takes?
Or do I defeat myself and tell myself negative thoughts? Say to myself that there just isn’t enough time in the day. Basically say there isn’t enough time for me. Or maybe say that I don’t care about myself enough to prioritize myself and take time out of my day for doing what is right and doing what I need to do?
One of the things I’m struggling with is seeing my own progress. The calendar works great. I love the Panda planner, but what I’m realizing is that am I really staying on top of my goals week to week?
I’m killing it so far… at least that’s what I think and say to myself. But have I done a checklist audit on myself? Have I taken the time to do Goldsmith’s checklist for seeing if I do week in and week out? Have I reached out to someone to read me those questions every day/week and supported others?
The truth is no. I’ve done this for other people but not myself.
I think the biggest struggle for me isn’t going to be time. It’s going to be making time for myself and organizing my time. I have a huge fear of commitment and it’s time to face it. What is this costing me?
Every single day I’m in the pharmacy and it drives me crazy dealing with petty problems. I tell myself it’s to build myself as a stronger person, but is it really? Or is it that I’m more comfortable doing nothing and doing what’s risky and best for myself?
People tell me I have all the power in the world. I try to tell myself that I believe it. I tell myself that I’m a powerful, compassionate, authentic leader… but is it true?
Fuck yea. It’s true.
But I choose whether if I want to turn it on or off. These things will come out no matter what. I feel most in touch and happiest when I’m in this state of helping people.
It’s okay to be scared, but it’s not okay to do nothing with my life.
In what ways do I need to show courage in my life?
- Not letting being “tired” hold me back from the gym. Doing something is better than nothing.
- Take the courage and go to Yoga and Muay thai. Yes it’s brutal. Yes it might kill me. But it’s a reminder that I have the possibility to do the impossible.
- Launch my campaign and setup everything for affiliate marketing.
- Continue make progress on my course and hit the deadlines I set up. Honor my commitment to myself.
- Continue to write the book to my brother and ask the questions where he will need in life I die.
- Be more conscious and present with my money. Times being a entrepreneur might be tough. Am I willing to live through the true hard times?
But what’s the most important thing that I need to do for myself?
I need to believe in myself and love myself unconditionally. Through failure or success, it doesn’t matter the outcome. It’s the intent I create and make for myself.
Even though I might be uncertain at times about the outcome, there’s no feeling better having your own back. Most people go though life seeking support from others.
I’m definitely one of those people. For years I just sought out acceptance… often from people I barely knew. I gave not from my heart, but out of desperation. Because I was so god damn lonely all the time.
Some moments that pop up were all those dinners than I treated people in a group setting. Even paying for a dinner for my ex’s friends. Do I even talk to those people anymore? What is my relationship with half those people? And was I giving out of my heart in that situation?
Even when I did get “support” or when people told me what I wanted to here, I still didn’t believe it. I didn’t believe in myself.
So of course, I didn’t put my 100% into relationships, my body, or my life goals. I didn’t think I was worth it. And my friends… including Joe and all these other people see it. They see this kind hearted person go through life blaming one thing at a time… but who’s fault was it really?
It was mine.
And it sucks realizing this. Realizing that your your own worst enemy. Realizing that all the success you could have had earlier in life was kept back because of myself.
And now that realize this… I can finally move on, give unconditonally to others, and most importantly give unconditionally to myself.
You can fucking do it Kevin. PALABRA FOO.