The beginning of the morning pages

Oh man. So recently I was reading this book the Artist’s Way. It suggested to do the morning pages every morning. I was like WTF… writing 3 pages AKA 750 words everyday about what I’m thinking and what I think I need?

This is a fucking waste of time.

But sometimes it’s exactly these moments in our lives where we need to do what we resist.

How many times have I felt like I had nothing left in me to write? How many times have I felt like I’m drained? How is this business sustainable if I can’t create every single day?

Simply it’s not.

I think a lot of the time this is a reflection of my own life. There’s so many times where I want the shortcut. I mean hacks and shortcuts are sexy. Who doesn’t want to avoid hard work when you don’t need to?

Maybe that’s why I look up to people like Tim Ferris who are “ultra-productivity” gurus. They seem to have all the answers and accomplish the world with relatively little effort.

But in reality nothing can really replace hard work.

In powerlifting there are no hacks for steadily improving your squat, bench, and deadlift at an elite level. In jiujitsu, there are no hacks for getting your black belt. In business, there are no hacks for creating the next JK films, Uber, and Amazon. In gang life, you need to put in work to move up the ranks.

The only hack for greatness is putting in the time. With time and experience that’s where the true learning comes. Of course, there’s always ways to shortcut the process and instant, but when you look at the long term game, you simply can’t shortcut greatness.

It’s through experience where you learn to suffer and realize there must be a better way to do things.

And that’s where I come in. The morning pages are going to be therapy for me and a way I can put in my reps for writing and creativity. It will be a great way to “refill the pond” and avoid against burnout for myself.

Most importantly it’ll be a good way for me to commit to myself. How many times have I made promises to myself and not fulfill them? It’s the reason why I don’t have a six pack. It’s the reason why I’m still stuck in pharmacy. It’s the reason why Refugee Hustle hasn’t grown.

For myself, I realize I have a natural ability to connect to others. I’ve always known this. Maybe it was all the pain in my life. Maybe it was always feeling lonely for most of my life. Either way I know for myself, I can connect with people and bring out the super power in others.

…and I need to do that with myself. I know on this journey of entrepreneurship I’ll need a lot more than just natural ability. Imagine how lucky I am. To love what I do and have it be my natural gift.

But just because something is your natural gift doesn’t mean that you don’t have to put in the hard work. If anything you need to put in more work.

Why? I need to consistently humble myself and not my ego get in the way. Imagine the top people at any skill set. Most of these people have the natural gift + hard workhunger.

These are the key things that bring you to greatness.

As I’m writing this, there’s a voice that is telling me that I need support as well. Why is this? Because honestly through all these years of not following through with my promises and having my dad doubting me for so many years, I lose trust with myself.

It’s the reason why I’m so scared of commitment as well. I avoid it like the plague and seek acceptance like thirsty sylvia.

And because of my seeking acceptance all the time, it can lead me down the wrong path. The path of fake relationships. Maybe fake isn’t the word. Maybe it’s inauthentic relationships.

It’s one of the reasons why I could never keep a relationship longer than a year. It’s one of the reasons why my “dating” life with Nelyn was a shit show. It’s one of the reasons why my friendship with Cindy had a huge falling out. Why?

It was working out of desperation that led me to make poor choices and choices that went against my gut feeling.

So what will I need instead? Support for myself. Believing that I can do everything. Even as I’m starting new with affiliate marketing, I constantly tell myself that I need “help” and “coaching”. But is that what I really need?

That constant self doubt and judgement of my standards of perfection that is preventing me from growth.

And it’s pretty crazy right now too as I’m doing today’s morning pages. I’m just letting my brain ramble on and on. But I realize that within a short amount of time I can bust out a blog post and article.

But time to get back on track. What else will I need on this journey?

Organization. I am so disorganized. I mean look at my desktop LOL. I should definitely allocate some time to clean up my life.

How many times in my life has my lack of organization costed me in relationships or experiences that I want in my life?

It’s the reason why I spent so long trying to get a freaking vacation. I feel like I sense strong resistance to it. Maybe because organization = commitment… something I fear. Again why I probably need the morning pages.

Pretty crazy I’m at 944 words. Okay definitely time to get on with my day.

Kill it Kevin.

 

Own your shit

Have you ever had those long commutes by yourself?

Back when I used to drive from Whittier to Hollywood daily, I used to do a lot of things.

  • Catch up with a friend
  • Listen to a Podcast (Tim Ferris and Joe Rogan were some of my favorite)
  • Listen Howard Stern
  • Blast the newest hip hop tracks (21 savage)

What else?

And then there were those days. Days where I wouldn’t have anything in the background. Just me and my thoughts.

Yeah sometimes the my thoughts resembled the Reddit’s ShowerThoughts. 

Other times I would replay those moments where I fucked up in life. Times like where I would try to approach a group of girls at a club and get turned down. Or maybe seeing someone do something like shoplife

And then you wonder why don’t you trust yourself? Why you don’t do the right thing

I used to think about my relationships in life.

Why I didn’t

During the moments

 

I cried like a little bitch today

So today was my second day at Choice. We had to do this exercise where we lock eyes with someone for 15 minutes. Me being terrified and nervous of attractive women, I chose a girl I was attracted to.

It was a surreal experience. We locked eyes and she initially had trouble locking eyes. It’s probably the longest I’ve ever looked at someone before and it’s crazy how much trust you can build.

I didn’t feel nervous or scared. It felt natural.

Then we imagined our parents and played and acted how our parents treated us. And this is where I felt like a complete asshole.

All my life my mom has always been there for me. Everything from picking me up at school, going out to eat with me, fixing me a hot meal… she was ride or die hustler. All while doing a 9-5 job.

On the other hand, my dad. He was a huge asshole. Always putting me down and he made me feel like I was never enough. Nothing I did was ever good enough and it was the source of my childhood pain and insecurity/lack of trust in myself.

And it wasn’t only about me.

I got to see how my partner’s mom and dad left her life and I suddenly understood why she was so cold coming in and why she didn’t trust people. It was completely natural. Her mom left her and her dad didn’t want her.

From then on I thought we had this unspoken relationship, which was pretty dope.

Later in the day I learned a lot about responsibility and where I’ve fucked up in my business and relationships.

With my relationships I learned how to set up a few things…

What I did: I chose to ignore all the signs of our relationship when she was unhappy.

What I didn’t do: I chose to not have those difficult conversations with her and let our communication go from BID to QMonth.

How I set myself up for this outcome: Going in the relationship I knew the possibility of breakup from a long distance relationship. We never had an exit strategy.

For my business, it’s the same thing.

I started missing my deadlines for my blogs and products. What it was costing me was believing in and trusting myself. It was costing me my dreams to help people on a scalable level and left feeling there was opportunity on the table. It’s costing me my dream to take my family out to an all expense paid trip.

And it was a crazy feeling going from victim to the power of choice. I chose to be in those relationships. I chose to not give enough time and attention to my blog.

Sipping on the koolaid

So right now I’m in Vegas at this Choice Program.

No lie I thought I was joining a cult with some loser ass people there, but it’s been a pretty cool experience so far. A lot of the other people feel the same way too, which made me feel a lot better.

One of the first questions that I got asked was why did I want to be here? That was a good fucking question.

Somewhere along the way I told myself that I wanted to have a better relationship with myself and other people. Especially growing up in an Asian community, we’re always competing trying to kill each other. In the process, we develop the mentality that we’re never good enough and to never make mistakes

In someways it’s humbling to experience and it’s gotten me this far in life. It got me that PharmD that I always wanted and the six figure paycheck. Make it rain money!

But also in order to grow, I need to grow beyond what I know. I don’t trust myself when it comes to picking up girls or going up to random people… despite being an extreme extrovert. I don’t trust myself to eat what I kill in the business world because I still haven’t pumped out my product yet.

What’s stopping me?

Is it my relationship with my dad and feeling that I’m never again? Is it that I’m terrified of being alone at the top? Is it that I’m scared to be willing to risk all this work for nothing?

Anyways gotta sleep soon. Day 2 is ahead of us.

I’m not perfect

Oh man. It’s been so long since I’ve written in this thing. Why did I stop?

Honestly I enjoy writing with out people watching me. I don’t feel pressured to do anything or filter myself. I can be my “true” self… without the pressure to perform.

One thing that I’ve been sort of fucking up is “state”. Tony Robbins refers to this quite a bit. Basically it’s how to control your temperament and mindset… and recently I’ve been straight up not being able to control it.

I notice it in the pharmacy. I just don’t want to talk, which is unlike me. When people give me attitude, instead of keeping myself level headed, I feel myself getting passive aggressive. And today when Cindy was picking up her boxes that I got in the pharmacy, I straight up didn’t want to wait.

Sometimes I feel this pressure… like a lighter is right under my ass. There’s pressure for me to perform. To be the top pharmacy. To be an entrepreneur. To always put out content. To help others while I’m sleeping.

It’s a double edged sword. On one hand, it makes me feel amazing when I actually get everything out on time… but it makes me feel so guilty when I don’t perform.

I feel like a lot of people look at me and think so highly of me. But when I look in the mirror, I still see average. There’s so much for me to accomplish and not enough hours in the day. It’s quite depressing.

My body isn’t the way I want it to be. I should be producing content more efficiently. I should be working faster and harder if I want to be a full time entrepreneur. I can’t talk to girls and random people like I could before because I’m worried about judgement. I can’t express how I truly feel toward girls because I hate the feeling of vulnerability.

It’s not the fact that I can’t do those things, but maybe that I’m just unwilling to put in the work to be uncomfortable.

But I try to take it one step at a time.

To not be so hard on myself. To practice gratitude to give thanks to others and realize how far I’ve come along. To admit I fucked up… no matter how uncomfortable it is.

Yes… There’s always room for improvement. But it’s time to let myself go. I’m almost 30. To do the uncomfortable. To practice stoic thinking and philosophy.

In some ways, I have all the good people and positive vibes around me. I have successful friends who believe in me. I have all the tools in the world.

When I die, I want to die knowing that I left the world a better place. That I was a true homie that helped people. 

Nothing and no one is going to stop me from my hustle and contribution.

Time for changes

It’s kinda sad that the Spy Glass Boyz are finally breaking apart.

It’s a mix of feelings. This was the house where I got to live my dreams and meet the YouTuber that I always used to watch back in college. This was the house that I started Refugee Hustle and had my first Cali fling… who ended up being bat shit crazy.

Not going to lie. Apart of me feels torn and know that I’m going to miss them. I know I’ll see them at the JK office still, but it’s not the same.

Part of growing up is that you need to do what’s uncomfortable. I’m excited to have a piece of my life back… time. I’m excited to feel liberated and create content feeling unrestricted. I’m excited to start my products, podcast, editing station, and move on to the next stage of my life.

I’m ready for this bitch.