IG to Angela

There’s over 7.5 billion people on this planet… at least according to google.

And out of that 7.5 billion? I thought about this girl.

Recently I’ve been thinking about my relationships in life and the people who have impacted mine.

We don’t have much in common… other than pharmacy. But friendships don’t have to be about that.

So what is it about?

Supporting each other unconditionally with our goals and whatever tough times were struggling through. She accepts me for all my weird quirks and all. We’re there for each other no matter what.

It so happens to be her birthday too. So of course, I would drive down to OC for a ballin ass steak dinner to celebrate your birthday.

Today I’m grateful for you Angela. Thanks for being a true homie all these years. And enduring all those “I want to fuck you in the ass” YouTube comments.

Love you.

Do I love myself unconditionally?

Forcing myself to write today.

The book was right. There’s days where I just don’t feel like writing. I avoid it. What does that say about me and my life? Am I willing to put in the hard work? Do I tell myself “fuck it” do whatever it takes?

Or do I defeat myself and tell myself negative thoughts? Say to myself that there just isn’t enough time in the day. Basically say there isn’t enough time for me. Or maybe say that I don’t care about myself enough to prioritize myself and take time out of my day for doing what is right and doing what I need to do?

One of the things I’m struggling with is seeing my own progress. The calendar works great. I love the Panda planner, but what I’m realizing is that am I really staying on top of my goals week to week?

I’m killing it so far… at least that’s what I think and say to myself. But have I done a checklist audit on myself? Have I taken the time to do Goldsmith’s checklist for seeing if I do week in and week out? Have I reached out to someone to read me those questions every day/week and supported others?

The truth is no. I’ve done this for other people but not myself.

I think the biggest struggle for me isn’t going to be time. It’s going to be making time for myself and organizing my time. I have a huge fear of commitment and it’s time to face it. What is this costing me?

Every single day I’m in the pharmacy and it drives me crazy dealing with petty problems. I tell myself it’s to build myself as a stronger person, but is it really? Or is it that I’m more comfortable doing nothing and doing what’s risky and best for myself?

People tell me I have all the power in the world. I try to tell myself that I believe it. I tell myself that I’m a powerful, compassionate, authentic leader… but is it true?

Fuck yea. It’s true.

But I choose whether if I want to turn it on or off. These things will come out no matter what. I feel most in touch and happiest when I’m in this state of helping people.

It’s okay to be scared, but it’s not okay to do nothing with my life.

In what ways do I need to show courage in my life?

  1. Not letting being “tired” hold me back from the gym. Doing something is better than nothing.
  2. Take the courage and go to Yoga and Muay thai. Yes it’s brutal. Yes it might kill me. But it’s a reminder that I have the possibility to do the impossible.
  3. Launch my campaign and setup everything for affiliate marketing.
  4. Continue make progress on my course and hit the deadlines I set up. Honor my commitment to myself.
  5. Continue to write the book to my brother and ask the questions where he will need in life I die.
  6. Be more conscious and present with my money. Times being a entrepreneur might be tough. Am I willing to live through the true hard times?

But what’s the most important thing that I need to do for myself?

I need to believe in myself and love myself unconditionally. Through failure or success, it doesn’t matter the outcome. It’s the intent I create and make for myself.

Even though I might be uncertain at times about the outcome, there’s no feeling better having your own back. Most people go though life seeking support from others.

I’m definitely one of those people. For years I just sought out acceptance… often from people I barely knew. I gave not from my heart, but out of desperation. Because I was so god damn lonely all the time.

Some moments that pop up were all those dinners than I treated people in a group setting. Even paying for a dinner for my ex’s friends. Do I even talk to those people anymore? What is my relationship with half those people? And was I giving out of my heart in that situation?

Nada.

Even when I did get “support” or when people told me what I wanted to here, I still didn’t believe it. I didn’t believe in myself.

So of course, I didn’t put my 100% into relationships, my body, or my life goals. I didn’t think I was worth it. And my friends… including Joe and all these other people see it. They see this kind hearted person go through life blaming one thing at a time… but who’s fault was it really?

It was mine.

And it sucks realizing this. Realizing that your your own worst enemy. Realizing that all the success you could have had earlier in life was kept back because of myself.

And now that realize this… I can finally move on, give unconditonally to others, and most importantly give unconditionally to myself.

You can fucking do it Kevin. PALABRA FOO.

Struggling with productivity

Man. Second day doing the morning pages.

No lie. Apart of me is sort of kind dreading doing todays morning pages. Actually that’s how I’ve been feeling a lot about work recently. Everything from writing to editing my videos, it just seems like everything is dragging.

What is going on though is that I’m having quite a few breakthroughs with clients. Most of them are very similar. Not believing in themselves. Struggling with comparing themselves to the perfect self. Putting others first before themselves. Not allowing themselves to fail, make mistakes, or deal with unexpected events. Why do they feel lost?

They feel lost because they constantly doubt themselves and decisions. We don’t love ourselves enough.

It’s kinda like that backseat driver. Granted I wasn’t the best driver in high school, but what happened? When someone is constantly judging you and constantly making remarks, I don’t learn. I feel angry. I feel frustrated and not open to things. That backseat driver?

That backseat driver? It’s usually ourselves.

Anyways back to the dragging and hauling ass. Why am I not getting up early in the morning anymore? Why do I not have those productive waves? Am I tired? Am I exhausted?

Definitely when it comes to sleep that a strong no. I’ve been hacking sleep quite a bit. But maybe it has to do with “refilling the pond”. I felt like after choice everything was just flowing. My workouts were killer. I could call people all the time. In fact I had too many people to call. Great problem to have 🙂

I didn’t care whether people were busy or not. Or what they thought. I just had full love for them. And maybe that’s why I love coaching so much. It’s just constantly refilling of that pond. It’s real connection. Not that fake shit.

And I’ve been wanting to create more music with Ableton. It feels great. I’m finally moving along with my artist goals.

Something that still scares me, but doesn’t scare me as much anymore is Native advertisements and affiliate marketing. Now that I had Adplexity, I feel more guided and that I have all the information that I need. It’s pretty crazy. Once you have the right tools, you suddenly feel this undeniable confidence.

Something else that I’m pretty proud of today was doing my laundry and dumping my SD cards for Bermuda. I don’t know. There’s some thing good that feels about doing my chores. Chores is something that I don’t do enough.

How does this play out in my life?

I don’t prioritize myself enough. I still have all that recyclables in the house. My room is still messy and I don’t do enough to maintain it.

When it comes to my blog, I don’t spend the time to prioritize it. When it comes to fitness like jiujitsu and Barbell Brigade, I skip workouts because of someone else’s needs rather than my own.

But one thing that I did do right today?

I stood up for myself and spoke how I truly felt. When Debbie asked me for money, I respected her needs and mine as well. It taught me that I can so no and it won’t be the end of the world… only if it’s an unconditional relationship.

So when I think about my relationship with Cindy and what happened, I said no. When I said no, shit blew up. Why? It was a conditional relationship.

As I’m writing right now, I’m struggling trying to get to 750 words. It sucks. It feels like I’m just writing anything just to get to the bare minimum. We all have these days. When we don’t give our all. When we just try to get though the day.

But what else does it show me? It shows that I’m resilient in someways. Even when I don’t want to do the “work”, I still show up to play. I show up to win. Because I made a commitment to myself. That I believe that it’s not the short term wins, but it’s the process that matters.

We all have those days.  But how do I get past it? What do I need to win and get past this stumbling block?

Just walk around. Explore a bookstore. Play some music. The artist date. Holy fuck. The answer was in me all this time.

I think honestly after I finish this letter, I’m going to spend some time with myself. I am committed to the artist’s way. It will help me become the best version of myself. It won’t create anything new about me, but unlock what is already there.

The beginning of the morning pages

Oh man. So recently I was reading this book the Artist’s Way. It suggested to do the morning pages every morning. I was like WTF… writing 3 pages AKA 750 words everyday about what I’m thinking and what I think I need?

This is a fucking waste of time.

But sometimes it’s exactly these moments in our lives where we need to do what we resist.

How many times have I felt like I had nothing left in me to write? How many times have I felt like I’m drained? How is this business sustainable if I can’t create every single day?

Simply it’s not.

I think a lot of the time this is a reflection of my own life. There’s so many times where I want the shortcut. I mean hacks and shortcuts are sexy. Who doesn’t want to avoid hard work when you don’t need to?

Maybe that’s why I look up to people like Tim Ferris who are “ultra-productivity” gurus. They seem to have all the answers and accomplish the world with relatively little effort.

But in reality nothing can really replace hard work.

In powerlifting there are no hacks for steadily improving your squat, bench, and deadlift at an elite level. In jiujitsu, there are no hacks for getting your black belt. In business, there are no hacks for creating the next JK films, Uber, and Amazon. In gang life, you need to put in work to move up the ranks.

The only hack for greatness is putting in the time. With time and experience that’s where the true learning comes. Of course, there’s always ways to shortcut the process and instant, but when you look at the long term game, you simply can’t shortcut greatness.

It’s through experience where you learn to suffer and realize there must be a better way to do things.

And that’s where I come in. The morning pages are going to be therapy for me and a way I can put in my reps for writing and creativity. It will be a great way to “refill the pond” and avoid against burnout for myself.

Most importantly it’ll be a good way for me to commit to myself. How many times have I made promises to myself and not fulfill them? It’s the reason why I don’t have a six pack. It’s the reason why I’m still stuck in pharmacy. It’s the reason why Refugee Hustle hasn’t grown.

For myself, I realize I have a natural ability to connect to others. I’ve always known this. Maybe it was all the pain in my life. Maybe it was always feeling lonely for most of my life. Either way I know for myself, I can connect with people and bring out the super power in others.

…and I need to do that with myself. I know on this journey of entrepreneurship I’ll need a lot more than just natural ability. Imagine how lucky I am. To love what I do and have it be my natural gift.

But just because something is your natural gift doesn’t mean that you don’t have to put in the hard work. If anything you need to put in more work.

Why? I need to consistently humble myself and not my ego get in the way. Imagine the top people at any skill set. Most of these people have the natural gift + hard workhunger.

These are the key things that bring you to greatness.

As I’m writing this, there’s a voice that is telling me that I need support as well. Why is this? Because honestly through all these years of not following through with my promises and having my dad doubting me for so many years, I lose trust with myself.

It’s the reason why I’m so scared of commitment as well. I avoid it like the plague and seek acceptance like thirsty sylvia.

And because of my seeking acceptance all the time, it can lead me down the wrong path. The path of fake relationships. Maybe fake isn’t the word. Maybe it’s inauthentic relationships.

It’s one of the reasons why I could never keep a relationship longer than a year. It’s one of the reasons why my “dating” life with Nelyn was a shit show. It’s one of the reasons why my friendship with Cindy had a huge falling out. Why?

It was working out of desperation that led me to make poor choices and choices that went against my gut feeling.

So what will I need instead? Support for myself. Believing that I can do everything. Even as I’m starting new with affiliate marketing, I constantly tell myself that I need “help” and “coaching”. But is that what I really need?

That constant self doubt and judgement of my standards of perfection that is preventing me from growth.

And it’s pretty crazy right now too as I’m doing today’s morning pages. I’m just letting my brain ramble on and on. But I realize that within a short amount of time I can bust out a blog post and article.

But time to get back on track. What else will I need on this journey?

Organization. I am so disorganized. I mean look at my desktop LOL. I should definitely allocate some time to clean up my life.

How many times in my life has my lack of organization costed me in relationships or experiences that I want in my life?

It’s the reason why I spent so long trying to get a freaking vacation. I feel like I sense strong resistance to it. Maybe because organization = commitment… something I fear. Again why I probably need the morning pages.

Pretty crazy I’m at 944 words. Okay definitely time to get on with my day.

Kill it Kevin.

 

Own your shit

Have you ever had those long commutes by yourself?

Back when I used to drive from Whittier to Hollywood daily, I used to do a lot of things.

  • Catch up with a friend
  • Listen to a Podcast (Tim Ferris and Joe Rogan were some of my favorite)
  • Listen Howard Stern
  • Blast the newest hip hop tracks (21 savage)

What else?

And then there were those days. Days where I wouldn’t have anything in the background. Just me and my thoughts.

Yeah sometimes the my thoughts resembled the Reddit’s ShowerThoughts. 

Other times I would replay those moments where I fucked up in life. Times like where I would try to approach a group of girls at a club and get turned down. Or maybe seeing someone do something like shoplife

And then you wonder why don’t you trust yourself? Why you don’t do the right thing

I used to think about my relationships in life.

Why I didn’t

During the moments

 

I cried like a little bitch today

So today was my second day at Choice. We had to do this exercise where we lock eyes with someone for 15 minutes. Me being terrified and nervous of attractive women, I chose a girl I was attracted to.

It was a surreal experience. We locked eyes and she initially had trouble locking eyes. It’s probably the longest I’ve ever looked at someone before and it’s crazy how much trust you can build.

I didn’t feel nervous or scared. It felt natural.

Then we imagined our parents and played and acted how our parents treated us. And this is where I felt like a complete asshole.

All my life my mom has always been there for me. Everything from picking me up at school, going out to eat with me, fixing me a hot meal… she was ride or die hustler. All while doing a 9-5 job.

On the other hand, my dad. He was a huge asshole. Always putting me down and he made me feel like I was never enough. Nothing I did was ever good enough and it was the source of my childhood pain and insecurity/lack of trust in myself.

And it wasn’t only about me.

I got to see how my partner’s mom and dad left her life and I suddenly understood why she was so cold coming in and why she didn’t trust people. It was completely natural. Her mom left her and her dad didn’t want her.

From then on I thought we had this unspoken relationship, which was pretty dope.

Later in the day I learned a lot about responsibility and where I’ve fucked up in my business and relationships.

With my relationships I learned how to set up a few things…

What I did: I chose to ignore all the signs of our relationship when she was unhappy.

What I didn’t do: I chose to not have those difficult conversations with her and let our communication go from BID to QMonth.

How I set myself up for this outcome: Going in the relationship I knew the possibility of breakup from a long distance relationship. We never had an exit strategy.

For my business, it’s the same thing.

I started missing my deadlines for my blogs and products. What it was costing me was believing in and trusting myself. It was costing me my dreams to help people on a scalable level and left feeling there was opportunity on the table. It’s costing me my dream to take my family out to an all expense paid trip.

And it was a crazy feeling going from victim to the power of choice. I chose to be in those relationships. I chose to not give enough time and attention to my blog.

Sipping on the koolaid

So right now I’m in Vegas at this Choice Program.

No lie I thought I was joining a cult with some loser ass people there, but it’s been a pretty cool experience so far. A lot of the other people feel the same way too, which made me feel a lot better.

One of the first questions that I got asked was why did I want to be here? That was a good fucking question.

Somewhere along the way I told myself that I wanted to have a better relationship with myself and other people. Especially growing up in an Asian community, we’re always competing trying to kill each other. In the process, we develop the mentality that we’re never good enough and to never make mistakes

In someways it’s humbling to experience and it’s gotten me this far in life. It got me that PharmD that I always wanted and the six figure paycheck. Make it rain money!

But also in order to grow, I need to grow beyond what I know. I don’t trust myself when it comes to picking up girls or going up to random people… despite being an extreme extrovert. I don’t trust myself to eat what I kill in the business world because I still haven’t pumped out my product yet.

What’s stopping me?

Is it my relationship with my dad and feeling that I’m never again? Is it that I’m terrified of being alone at the top? Is it that I’m scared to be willing to risk all this work for nothing?

Anyways gotta sleep soon. Day 2 is ahead of us.