One year ago.
I was sitting at this exact coffee shop right now, Lion & Lamb in Irvine with my twin flame, “C”.
This was the last time I was in love.
“C” and I spent 8 months talking. We initially started as friends online, met in real life, and evolved from there. Every time we met up, whether it was San Diego, Arizona, or Vegas, our connection felt magnetic. Initially I resisted it. We both did. But it was inevitable. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t escape. I fell in love. And I don’t use that word lightly. Whenever we spoke, I felt the spark… the dopamine rush. And my friends would always clown on me because I couldn’t stop talking about “C”. It was the few moments in my life where everything felt… right.
That weekend, we decided to do a weekend getaway in the OC. And as I drove five hours from Vegas to SNA, all I felt was excitement and anticipation. But from the moment that I picked her, everything was off. Don’t get me wrong, we had a great time. We went to the SoCal beaches, checked out UC Irvine, shared some amazing meals together, and our conversation was on point like always. But the only difference? She was avoiding intimacy and I felt her pulling away.
So at the end of the night, as difficult as it was, I asked her… Is there a reason why you’re avoiding intimacy with me?
That’s when the truth came out. She wanted to end things. She said she still liked me, but didn’t see our futures aligning. I wanted kids and she didn’t. I’m in the public eye with YouTube and she wanted a private life. She lived in Arizona and I lived in Vegas.
My heart was shattered. I felt like I literally drove five hours just so that she could end things with me.
And that night was awkward as fuck. We slept on different sides of the bed. And when we woke up, we acted like everything was “normal” with our normal routine of grabbing coffee and lunch. That’s how we ended up at Lion & Lamb. And this was the last memory and last time I spoke to “C”.
I can’t even put in words how difficult it’s been for me emotionally this year. Even to this day, I’m scared to date and open myself to vulnerability again. Apart of me doesn’t want to let go. And sometimes I feel that nothing is the same anymore.
Whenever I drive around this area even after a year, I still think of my weekend with “C”.
I didn’t “plan” on coming here. I literally dropped off Tom at the airport and Yelped the closest coffeeshop to the airport. Something inside me told me to come here and reflect on my growth over the last year.
As difficult as it’s been this year, I find myself with these feelings of inadequacies of self worth less often. Spending time single gave me the opportunity to build a better relationship with myself and the platonic relationships around me. I not only treat myself better, but I treat myself with respect. And often times treating myself with respect means being real with myself, including my emotions.
I can’t deny. Even though it was short, I still miss “C” immensely. And real talk, sometimes I feel foolish for feeling the way I do. But that’s also the reason why I’m here. I can’t stay stuck in the past forever. And I can’t stay stuck on someone who doesn’t want to be with me. It wouldn’t be respecting myself. For me, I just try to take one day at a time and trust that everything will work out.
Sometimes that’s life. Things happen for mysterious reasons. But no matter what happens, life moves on. And we need to trust that the universe is working for our highest growth in mysterious ways.